A hard call

[JanM]

I was recently hospitalize and my family made sure that Hank got to visit, even though I was 50 miles away. After getting back home I was laying down to rest. My eyes shot open when I heard him talking about going to the hospital to visit me. I know that he has no idea the location of the hospital. I got up and he was surprised to see me, I asked where he was going. He told me of his intentions. I told him that I came home the day before. Later in the afternoon, I was going to lay down again. I went to Hank and asked him for his keys, explaining why, that I was worried that he would forget that I was home. I still have his keys and he wants them back. I am afraid that he will take off and not know where he is going. He asked for them today and I refused to hand them over and he was very angry. How do I handle this?

[tic chick]

jan ,

this is really a tough call to make. it happened to my late mil one easter when she was late for our dinner. she has never been late for anything! i had my hubby and son follow the route she would have taken to see if maybe her car had broken down. they didn't find her. about an hour later, i got a call from her saying she was at a gas station about 3-4 miles from our house and she was lost. we went to pick her up. she had been driving to our house for 24 years, and what she did was go straight all the way to the lake instead of making the right turn that would take her to our house. she made the right turn at the lake, cause she couldn't go any further. and that's how she would up almost in downtown detroit.

jan, the problem now is not only might hank get lost, but he might begin to drive erratically. i noticed this when riding with my late mil to the doctor's office. she would drive too fast, continuously pump her brakes whenever she felt uneasy about other cars near her and stop abruptly, so that passengers flew forward.

my husband asked to borrow her car, because he said our's was broken. we kept it for a week and she phoned and asked when she could have it back. we kept stalling her. then we got her tested for dementia and we put her in the assisted living center.

there are a few things you can do:

1. make excuses to hank when he asks to drive. say you would rather drive. get his mind off the topic.
2. i KNOW you can unscrew or disable the starter cable, cause you are a clever gal :).
3. call your secretary of state and tell them your hubby has alzheimer's and ask what you need to do to get his driver's license taken away from him. in michigan, it involved getting papers signed by the patient's doctor and forwarding them to the secretary of state. do not let hank automaticallly renew his license, if your state let's senior's do that. let him go in for a driver's test and maybe he might flunk it. but, i would try and get his license taken away first, cause he might not flunk the test, for some reason.

if i think of anything else, i'll post. i hope this gives you a start on doing something, though.

i didn't know you were hospitalized, but i'm glad you're back home and it sounds like you're doing well .

((((hugs, cause it is hard)))),
jeannie

[JanM]

I have taken over the driving. I did tell him that it was my turn at first and now I just say rhat I'm driving and he says, "OK, I don't feel like doing it today.." I do have to beat him to the truck's driver's door sometimes, though. When we arrived in Wisconsin he said that he was really tired from doing the driving here. He never drove one mile. Yesterday he said that he couldn't find his keys and demanded them when I told him that I had them He got very angry when I refused. He was agitated when he had asked for them, today he told me that he couldn't find his keys and I told that I had them and gave them to him. He was in a different state of mind today. I was thinking of having a key made. In these newer vehicles, a hardware store made key will open the door, but not start the ignition.

[dawnmn]

Jan, that's a good idea in regards to having a key made for him. My dad insisted that he could drive and we finally dismantled his car. For some reason he never ask to drive my mom's car.
Not driving is like giving up your freedom to come and go when you want too. That must be hard not to be able to do.

Hopefully, hank won't stick the extra key into the ignition and break it off.

[JanM]

Hank seems not to be confused as to where I am. Right now I will just let things go and watch and wait.

[mrsQ]

Jan don't trust those keys that will only open the door. Mr.Q had one of those to my truck on his key chain and one day we started somewhere & I grabbed his keys & that sucker cranked my truck right up?? I know it use to not do that so I have no idea why it does now but just thought I would mention that.
The driving thing is hard stage to go through. We are having problems with my Dad, not dementia related but his vision is just too bad & he gets really angry all the time about it.

[tic chick]

jan!

love your gb packers helmet avatar!

it reminds me of a little joke.

there was a woman who was doing her laundry. she gathered up her clothes and saw that the ones she had on were a tad dirty, too. so she took them off and went downstairs naked to wash all the clothes. when she was down there, she found her son's football helmet that he had been looking for, so she put it on her head so she wouldn't forget it. as she was puttig her clothes in the washing machine, she heard a cough and suddenly realized the furnace repairman was down there still.

he looked at her and said, "i hope your team wins, lady."

i always wondered how you could not know that a repair person was in your basement *confused .

thank you for sharing and caring,
jeannie

[momster]

Jan, I feel for you. We have gone through this with my dad and my MIL. MIL lived on the other coats from us, and one day my husband went to meet her in the airport and she was no where to be found. She got lost in the city she had lived in her entire life, and was found about 8 hours after she left for the airport. Hank is lucky to have you to take care of him. Unfortunately, people often get really argumentative with dementia, and when it comes to losing the ability to drive, it's easy to understand why. I was very nervous with both my MIL and my dad before they stopped driving that they would get in a serious accident and injure or kill someone. Keep making excuses - and getting the doctor involved is a great idea. I think if you call your local DMV they will be very familiar with this type of situation and will give you some advice. Good luck!

[JanM]

Hank still drives well, but he is getting to show "road rage". If some other driver does any little mistake he wants to give them the "one finger wave" or tells me what he'd do to them if he had an old vehicle. He would forget where we were going or where it was. When I try to give him the directions he would get angry if I told he too soon and then again because I didn't tell him soon enough. Or he would would not hear me no matter how I talked to him. There is a lot less stress since I drive.

[Buttons2]

Jan,it's a good thing you've taken over the driving. perhaps when Ken is in the veteran place during your surgery he will "forget" about driving altogether? I've noticed my housemate gets road rage easily these days. never used to be that way at all. he's been mentioning people in Kiwanis with Alz. lately also.

realize this is not the forum to discuss your surgery but want you to know I hope all goes well if that's what your doc feels is needed.

and Karen if you are reading this I also hope your DH finds answer's soon & your back is not worse.