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Thread: What's Happening in our Caregiving World?

  1. #21
    Distinguished Community Member tic chick's Avatar
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    julia !

    i'm so HAPPY to see you!!!

    please, don't ever feel that just because mary has died that you have nothing to offer or remember about the years she was ill. you can STILL share stories with us if we run into a similar problem with our loved ones that reminds you of a problem you had with mary and how you got thru it. you can STILL grieve here about what it was like for mary to finally die. we will come to that day with our loved ones sooner or later! and i will take cyber hugs from anyone !

    you just told me something, too. you said sometimes when you left the nursing home after visiting mary you would have to pull over to the side of the road and cry. well, my husband drives me to the nursing home, so i don't have to pull over, but somedays i just start crying in the car, too. uncontrollable deep sobbing until the pain ends.

    it helps. they say it's good to cry when you're unhappy because studies have shown that the tears contain chemicals that aren't good for your body, so in a way your body is getting rid of bad stuff when you cry.

    so julia, i do hope you're feeling better and i'm glad you're back...because i do need your support here and i need pati's and joy's and karen's and jan's and jim's and dawn's and chris's and anyone else's that passes thru here every once in a while.

    i thank you all for sharing and caring and being here for me ,
    jeannie
    Last edited by Moderator #7; 10-02-2011 at 07:56 AM.
    Here's to good women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.
    "The world is a better place when you're barefoot." Mark
    "Don't go there unless you know the way back." TC
    "...there will be an answer. Let it be." Paul McCartney

  2. #22
    Distinguished Community Member tic chick's Avatar
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    hey everyone !

    well, thursday my mom was still hung up that she didn't know her mother died and asked me if i went to the funeral. so, i told her the story again. it does not ring a bell for her and she seems so sad about it. i wouldn't have said my grandma was dead if i knew my mom didn't remember it and that she would get upset about it. my husband's mother got upset when we told her that her sister and brother had died. of course she was at the funeral's, but she didn't remember and it upset her too.

    my mom doesn't call me by my name and she doesn't remember my brother's and sister's name either, so i don't feel so bad. but she remember's my husband's name and my sister's husband's name. i don't know if what i say is going to upset her each time i visit, so i'll just keep telling the truth and deal with her sadness. but, she is slowly losing her memory and her mother being dead prolly won't bother her in a month.

    karen, i'm thinking about you and mr. q and hoping things aren't going as bad as you thought they might. please update us when you can.

    i'm getting some interesting insights from my counseling sessions...and not very pleasant ones. childhood is a very impressionable time and if you didn't have pleasant memories because of things that happened and feelings you had, you will tend to experience those feelings again and find yourself in similar situations. i have healed my childhood wounds, but there are deep-seated feelings left that prolly will pop up and stay from time to time. and i will have to deal with them again. but, i have learned lessons from the past and they have stayed with me. so that is good!

    thank you for caring and sharing ,
    jeannie
    Last edited by tic chick; 10-01-2011 at 08:26 AM.
    Here's to good women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.
    "The world is a better place when you're barefoot." Mark
    "Don't go there unless you know the way back." TC
    "...there will be an answer. Let it be." Paul McCartney

  3. #23
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    Hard to believe it is October already. Mothers' birthday month then my son's. I don't have much to talk about lately it seems, things have been real slow. I think I have already started hybernating as I don't like cool weater. burrr.

  4. #24
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    Hi guys.
    Just a quick hi to say I'm thinking about all of you.
    Mr.Q is in the hospital and looks like he will be for some time. I'm seeing mY MIL once a week, she has no clue who I am and doesn't seem to enjoy the visits but at least the staff see somone is checking on her. I have to go buy and pick up some things for her from the store today to take this next visit. it is sad she gave up so much for her kids and my sorry sis in law hasn't called to even see if she is alive in months. Hope you all have a good week.. sorry for the short post .

  5. #25
    Distinguished Community Member Jo6's Avatar
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    Karen, I'm so sorry Mr. Q is still in the hospital. I hope you all have found some answers and they are helping him. You post anytime, no matter if its long or short. We want to hear from you. I worry you aren't taking care of your back! I know the pain and it isn't pleasant. sometimes it gets impossible to walk. You just take care and let us know. ((((Karen))))

    Joy, it's good to hear from you. I see you have written me 2 PM's, but I can't get them. How the heck do you get them where you can read them? It seems we both have some sadness in Oct. Lady Caroline died on Oct 1st. my BD is the 3rd, my grandson is the 4th , got a granddaughter's BD on the 16th and son's on the 10th. My EX-MIL's is Oct. the 31. She turned 90 last year. I think that is all. So the feeling are mixed. I hope you are feeling better. Send me an email at home. I think I know how to get those. lol

    Jeannie, I'm so sorry your Mom is forgetting so forgetful. When they don't seem to know us it kinda hurts, but down deep I felt at times Mary knew me, but just couldn't get it out. she would call Ken something that sounded like his dad's name. The looks she gave Ken told me more about her knowing him or not. I know you are getting to some heart breaking times. I wish I could do something to make it better.

    If you don't feel like dealing with it she won't remember that you didn't come on certain days. I think it's best to do your visiting the way you started off doing. We went at all different times and it would get confusing to me sometimes. The worse was when she couldn't talk, but she tried to. All garbled and she would look so distressed.

    I'm sorry, I don't mean to talk this way. It's no way to cheer you up. I'm enjoying the talk about your landscaping and flowers. Heck Jeannie, I'm enjoying your talking about Nick and Nora. I enjoy Pati talking about his little dog. He likes Tomato's! We still have a few, I'll have to sent them to you Pati!

    You girls mean a whole lot to me and I love you dearly. I hope today was a good day for all of you.

    Take care, Julia bunches of hugs
    Did you ever know that you're my hero and every thing I would like to be I can fly higher than an eagle
    'cause you are the wind beneath my wings

    for my brother Ben

  6. #26
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    Default catching up.....again!

    OK, I need to make the effort to do the scroll more often!

    Karen,do you have any support around? I think you mentioned no family lives nearby? you've got too much to deal with in my opinion. just having Mr. Q in the hospital is alot of stress! how's he doing? as for MIL it's good you visit to keep the NH staff aware,I truly believe those that are in NH's need an advocate. even with Ken & Jo visiting the horror stories Jo wrote about were indicitive to NH abuse. guess it's part luck in getting into a good facility? please know you can come here & lean on us anytime you feel the need.

    Jeannie,yes tears are a good release. can't keep the plug in forever. I didn't mean to imply my mom wasn't married when I was born. she actually told me how she ended up getting married in the middle of the night & shortly afterward they moved to WA where one of her sister's lived. she must have found my dad rather "dashing" at the time. he was/is an attractive man but they have never been right together. he was an alcoholic during those early years which I had no clue about until I was in my 30's!

    I'm so wrapped up in my own daily issues with my housemate I'm just putting my mom & her issues on a back burner. it will all come to a head one day & then I'll have to take some action I suppose. I do not have a forgiving nature & the visit with my folks 3 yrs ago is still very painful to me.

    Jo, you had no chance to deal with your grief over Lady Caroline! everything hit you suddenly after years of a very heavy emotional (and physical) burden dealing with Mary & your body just collasped-literally! grief has no time frame afterall. I'm relieved to read that Ken is doing better,you also had to fight tooth & nail to keep your sanity dealing with his obessive behavior & the in-laws. you did it though! you have survived Jo & even though your body is going downhill you are a true Southern Lady & will get through whatever life throws your way.

    this morning I discovered my housemate had left a burner on the stove,at least he had removed the skillet/oil. I'm hoping his sons will recognize his mental decline when they go hunting together & force him to see a different doctor. not counting on it however. they seem to not care in my opinion. one year one of them called me before a trip to MT to see if I could discourage him from drinking at the hunting camp! now how the heck was I supposed to do that?

    well I've said before that none of us can see the future. sorry to say I'm not optimistic about it.

    ((((hugs to all)))) Pati

  7. #27
    Distinguished Community Member tic chick's Avatar
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    pati ,

    geez pati, leaving a pot on the stove is dangerous. my mom did that once, but her smoke alarm went off so she was able to take care of it. she burned the post, but not anything else. she wasn't going out much at that time, so thank goodness nothing worse happened. that's why i worry about lor's fil and something like this happening.

    pati, i didn't take it to mean that your mom was unmarried when she was pregnant with you. i just empathized with your story and told my mom's story of the hard time she had being pregnant with me.

    i didn't see my mom this week. it's been too sunny and i'm doing lots of work in the yard, cause i think once this week and a half spell of sunshine and no rain is over, we're gonna get clobbered ! maybe i'll go see her tomorrow.

    thank you for sharing and caring,
    jeannie
    Here's to good women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.
    "The world is a better place when you're barefoot." Mark
    "Don't go there unless you know the way back." TC
    "...there will be an answer. Let it be." Paul McCartney

  8. #28
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    well came to this forum first today.

    my mom called me yesterday. talked for an hour about my sister & my brother. I just listened & tried to weed out fact from fantasy as best I could. I didn't get upset with the dumb reason she called. since I've concluded we were actually two different families (I was the only child for 9 yrs), I have a different attitude. it's like I'm not one of them so she feels free to tell me alot of stuff I don't care to know.

    housemate had removed the skillet, good thing I saw the red light was on for the burner! I let him know what he'd done. not the first time it's happened either. I seldom go anywhere these days,his driving bothers me now. he's always been such a mellow guy,but lately he's bordering on road rage. I realize this could be yet another sign of dementia. lucky for us we still share some sense of humor about most things.he's changed alot during the past 15 yrs but then so have I. I try to let the small stuff go but it's not always easy!

    good for you to stay home & work in the yard rather than visit your mom. our nice weather is gone now & when we had it I cherished every minute.

    Jeannie,do you still want the Sue Grafton book U? I got boxes from the post office yesterday & forgot a book envelope! (who has the bad memory around here?). I could get another box & send you alot of books if you let me know what you want. haven't done too well this year selling my books but who knows they could all go @ my last sale. I have The Help also & would be glad to pull it from my shop if you want it.

    take care everyone.

  9. #29
    Distinguished Community Member Jo6's Avatar
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    Pati, you are very kind and I do appreciate all the kind things you said. Yes, you were right about Lady Caroline. I have had such a hard time lately, it just pops up at the strangest times. I'm glad you were able to deal with your Mom's call. I can understand you feeling like a seperate family. I think that is why I felt like Ben was my father. He was 10 years older than me. Yes, the time will probably come when you have to deal with some of this, but hopefully brother and sister will step up and do their part. I pray for your sake they will.

    It also scares me to think of your housemate leaving the burner on, was it grease he left in it? I had an uncle that did that and my cousin was very lucky to happen by and got the pan outside. It had already caught fire. That's when she had to put him in a NH. Susan was talking to me today about how she had witnessed so much from the nurse's when they had to put her Dad in the NH. It was horrible.

    When you said "road rage" it was like a pail of water flying in my face! Ken is making me a wreck just riding to the Dr. with him. He is getting much done concerning his mom's estate, but I've learned to just keep my mouth shut! He is much better in some ways, but he seems to be sliding back. I decided that I would not take any more crap from him. The children are aware so that helps me. I shouldn't grip so. I would like to enjoy what life I have left. That shouldn't be so hard, eh?

    Jeannie, You are right to enjoy the sunshine and nice days while you can. Mom will still be there tomorrow or which ever day you go. I am enjoying your yard and flowers, can't wait until you get it all done. You have much to keep you busy these days. I hope things are going well.

    Karen, Ging and others, I hope all is going well with you. Let us know how you all are.

    All my love, Jo
    Did you ever know that you're my hero and every thing I would like to be I can fly higher than an eagle
    'cause you are the wind beneath my wings

    for my brother Ben

  10. #30
    Distinguished Community Member tic chick's Avatar
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    hey everyone !

    well, now it's been rainy, drizzly, cool and windy the last 3 days. so, i went to visit my mom yesterday.

    she was talking about my sister being across the hall in another room in the nursing home. with a man. then she mentioned my father, something she hasn't done in ages. and i think she was kind of talking about me, too. she is jumbling up people and events and everything is becoming today for her...meaning she talks like this is all true right now. it's getting sadder and sadder to visit her. i bought her a purse and she thanked me. she is so polite. i guess once you have manners they always stay...they're deeper than your memories cause they are ingrained in the brain where no frikking tangles and plaques can get at them.

    i'm wondering if my mom is in pain. she sometimes has this scrunched up face look, like you do when something's hurting you and you're just bearing it. i'm thinking of asking the doctor at the nursing home if he thinks doing another sigmoidoscopy (not as deep as a colonoscopy), to see if the tumor has spread, gotten bigger or gone through the walls of her bowel. then i think she might be in pain. i just don't want her to suffer and i think i need to know the status of this tumor to decide that.

    i think when i didn't see her last week, the condition she is in just slapped me in the face again yesterday. as i said, i don't think of my mom's condition and how she's doing too much when i'm at home, otherwise i would be upset all day and i can't be that way.

    cause i can't do a dam thing about this. i can't do a dam thing about this.

    i am just bummed. i think that's why i didn't fall asleep last night until 4AM. i was like shell-shocked.

    for all of you who have walked down this road, are walking on it now and will walk on it in the future...i offer my support.

    cause it's so hard.

    thank you for caring and sharing ,
    jeannie
    Last edited by Moderator #7; 10-15-2011 at 02:14 PM.
    Here's to good women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them.
    "The world is a better place when you're barefoot." Mark
    "Don't go there unless you know the way back." TC
    "...there will be an answer. Let it be." Paul McCartney

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