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Thread: Eleven Years of Grieving

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    Distinguished Community Member Earth Mother 2 Angels's Avatar
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    Default Eleven Years of Grieving

    ((((((HUGS TO ALL)))))) ~

    Every May for 11 years, I relive the last month of Michaelís Earthly life. Beginning with Motherís Day, when he was whisked away in an ambulance to ER, where he coded and was intubated, to Memorial Day, when he received his wings. And everything, which happened in between.

    Although we throw a thin veil over our memories, some remain vivid. I can recall it all. I realize now that I always will. I donít want to forget it or avoid it. Those were my last days with my son. They are precious memories, albeit excruciatingly painful.

    What has changed during this past decade (plus one) is my acceptance of our physical separation. That acceptance is exceptionally easier for me, because Michael continuously lets me know that his spirit is still quite present.

    This year on Motherís Day, Michael sent me a perfect rose, the first bloom of the year on our Peace rose. Later in the day, he sent an adult red tail hawk to drink and bathe in Michaelís waterfall pond. I missed seeing the hawk, but Jim watched him, then found me to tell me about the hawk, just as it flew away. The rose for me, the hawk for Jim. Perfect. The potted day lilies in Michaelís garden are blooming abundantly. Every day new ones appear. They havenít produced like that for several years.

    The hawk visited again today, and this time I noticed it first. Jim and I watched as the majestic bird drank and bathed in Michaelís pond. This isnít something we see regularly. These moments are gifted to us during those times, when our grief for Michael is heightened by a special occasion or holiday. He finds a dramatic way to tell us that he is still near.

    Skeptics might rightly question the significance of these signs, but in the last 11 years, Michael has revealed to us his presence in so many undeniable ways that weíve become accustomed to his message carriers. And to those, who might scoff ~ I simply know what I know, what Iíve experienced, what Jim and Jon have experienced, and this brings me peace. All three of us canít be loopy. Eleven years of coincidences? Regular, consistent, inexplicable coincidences?

    Never will I ďget overĒ losing my beloved son. That doesnít happen. We learn to live with our grief and to find peace with our grief. And that doesnít just occur, and then, voila!, youíre all better now. Being at peace with your grief is a life-long process.

    That process involves exploring options as coping tools, learning how to manage your grief, while you continue to live your life and care for others, and for me, connecting with my son on a spiritual level.

    Sometimes, it is difficult to believe that 11 years have come and gone, since Michaelís passing. For him, itís less than a blink of an eye.

    But I have counted every minute, and I have shed a river of tears, simply missing his physical presence. I remind myself that while I am 11 years further away from our last physical contact, I am 11 years closer to being reunited with Michael in the spiritual realm of bliss. And someday, all four of us will be together again.

    That isnít the least bit maudlin to me. That is realistic. And believing in our reunion is an important aspect for me in preparing for Jonathan joining his brother, and for whatever Jim and I might face in the coming years as elders. That is our reality. Michael is helping us to understand and embrace it.

    I know that Michael is free, happy, and most of all, still here, in a unique, remarkable, amazing way. When I lose sight of that truth, Michael sends me a reminder. As I see life through Michaelís perspective, I gain strength. In ways, far too difficult to define, Michael also guides me through Jonís declining health issues.

    Because Michaelís job, and Jonís job, their Earthly purpose, is to teach and enlighten, I continue to learn and grow. The farther we travel on this journey together, the more apparent that Big Picture is to me.

    It isnít complicated to figure out. Itís not a puzzle or a riddle. Itís a basic concept of love ~ loving each other unconditionally.

    On this yearís Motherís Day morning, the first words Jon spoke to me upon awakening were, ďMommy? I love you.Ē He graced me with his sweet smile and looked at me with his sparkling blue eyes, as he reached up to pull me closer for a hug.

    In him, I saw a reflection of his darling brother, and I knew that Jon was serving as Michaelís messenger at that moment. Both of my boys were hugging me. I could feel it within my soul.

    Thus began the Month of May 2014, the Eleventh Year of Grieving.

    We miss you deeply Michael, but we are grateful to feel your presence and to receive your gifts of love as we await our reunion with you.

    In tribute to you, my Precious Angel, this is my 1432nd post on BrainTalk.

    Your Light Shines On ~

    I love you, my darling son.

    Mommy
    xo xo xo xo

    I BELIEVE

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Qb5HmyHTaA
    Mom to Jon, 48, (seizure disorder; Gtube; trache; colostomy; osteoporosis; hypothyroid; enlarged prostate; lymphedema, assorted mysteries) and Michael, 32, (intractable seizures; Gtube), who were born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease and courageous spirits. Our Angel Michael received his wings in 2003 and now resides in Heaven. Our Angel Jon lives at home with me and Jim, the world's most wonderful dad.

  2. #2
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    Oh Rose. I feel the aching loss, struggle, acceptance, gratitude and love in your words. For so many years, I thought Nick would die. Many times I had my hair cut because I wanted to be ready and dignified for his funeral. I prepared for losing him for so many years and now, it seems to be not in his destiny to die imminently, although we can never know what the future holds for us and our beloved. We are all so fragile. I am sure that the rose and hawk are Michael's spirit revealing itself to you and showing his enduring love. I know it.
    PS: I don't usually come to this forum, but I am glad I did to read your beautiful tribute.
    Donna, Mum to Natalie (22), ablebodied, kind and beautiful and Nicholas(26), severe CP, non-verbal, tube fed, multiple surgeries, chronic pain, happy kid except when the Liverpool football club or the Ottawa Senators Hockey Team are losing!
    Check out my blog: http://www.donnathomson.com


  3. #3
    Distinguished Community Member Earth Mother 2 Angels's Avatar
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    ((((((Donna)))))) ~

    Thank you for reading, listening, and understanding.

    Obviously, this forum receives very little attention, which is a good thing. I lobbied for it to remain here, in case it is needed. And I share my experiences on my grief journey here, with the intention that others will read them, be strengthened and helped on their own grief journeys, regardless of the person for whom they are grieving.

    In my grief for Michael, I have found hope, which probably sounds peculiar to some folks. That hope is derived from Michael's messages to us, which confirms for me/us that life does go on after our physical death. I feel so blessed to be given this insight through Michael and other family members. I long to share this wisdom with others, because I know it is the path to peace in grief.

    I remember when Michael was hospitalized in 2003, Nicholas was also quite ill. I lit a candle for Nick in the hospital chapel, as well as for Andrew, who passed about a week before Michael did.

    Through the years, you and I have walked together on our journeys of crises and rebounding with our treasured boys. With the same intensity as we steel ourselves for what may happen, we rejoice in their stability. And right now, I rejoice with you for Nick's health and happiness. And for Jon's health and happiness.

    Still, we always live on the edge, never knowing when whatever may come will arrive. And that perch is precarious and stressful. Not everyone can comprehend the magnitude and impact of that experience.

    Knowing how truly fragile life is, we learn to perform an amazing balancing act.

    The pole I hold onto, which keeps me from toppling, is the knowledge that something far more wonderful than this Earthly life awaits all of us.

    Blessings to you, my dear friend and healing prayers always ~

    Love & Light,

    Rose
    Mom to Jon, 48, (seizure disorder; Gtube; trache; colostomy; osteoporosis; hypothyroid; enlarged prostate; lymphedema, assorted mysteries) and Michael, 32, (intractable seizures; Gtube), who were born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease and courageous spirits. Our Angel Michael received his wings in 2003 and now resides in Heaven. Our Angel Jon lives at home with me and Jim, the world's most wonderful dad.

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