Is it possible to be in a regular, but not continuous, state of minor to moderate depression with occasional short periods, more days than weeks,when the depression goes deeper than that?
I feel like a failure/regular guilt feelings and think my future is hopeless in terms of there being hope of improvement and find it hard to think of future goals, but am not suicidal and tearful .
I find it hard to experience positive emotions and experiences fully but tend to have a heightened reaction to negative/stressful emotions and experiences(though depot has lessened intensity of reaction).
Some asked me if my anxiety/depression was caused by external events or happened for no reason at all. I couldn't give a definitive answer but replied as follows:
With me the anxiety can sometimes seem to come out of nowhere but at other times it's in anticipation of a definite or possible future event. Worst case scenarios build up in my head and i have this dread of things going wrong and being punished and/or ridiculed.
Depression wise it's hard to tell, external factors can and do play a part in making me 'depressed' but i can also have periods when things are comparatively stress free and life seems hopeless and i feel like a failure.
In the past i have had symptoms of major depression necessitating use of MAOIs and a couple of bouts of ECT and was on lithium for 20 odd years with a schizoaffective mixed type diagnosis.
More than acute or easily recognisable depression as previously said i feel blah/have a lessened response to pleasurable emotions and experiences. When it comes to stress and negative emotions though it's a different kettle of fish.
When stressed anxiety/paranoia/insecurity levels ramp up considerably and i become over emotional and possibly mildly psychotic- tend to become excitable and less rational.
Luckily depot does dampen this down though i did have a mild blow out recently on another forum.
I think what also gets me down is the severe social anxiety and social interaction difficulties and the fact that services spent years seeing them as secondary problems ie they focussed on treating what they saw then as symptoms of schizophrenia and then schizoaffective disorder.
Then when they eventually decided to do something it was to go too far too fast or to use an analogy being deprived of food for ages and then when you are given food you are given too much for your body to cope with.
Basically now they recognise i have problems in those areas but the attitude is ''you're not a danger to yourself or others,so don't expect much help and learn to live with it as best you can.''
In fact the social interaction/anxiety problems have been the most chronically disabling when it comes to occupational and social functioning.
Don't see myself as that depressed to necessitate going on anti depressants and as previous pdoc said a few years ago when i mentioned depressive spell 'I'm reluctant to put you on antidepressant because of possible negative effect on your moods' . This was after i had been taken off mood stabiliser and had my dx changed from schizoaffective to personality disorder.
The implication being they no longer saw me as mood affected enough to qualify for a mood stabiliser and a schizoaffective dx but just in case,hedging their bets all the way,they best not put me on an AD.
What makes it hard is that previous bad relationships with mh services make it hard for me to mention things for fear of going back to being seen as awkward/demanding/troublesome etc and though i resent the fact they did that and trivialised/dismissed stuff perversely a part of me has bought into that, and stuff i feel confident enough to mention here i feel worried about whether i am being silly if i think of telling them.
Basically from a psychological perspective my parents started to screw me up and then along came mh services and just added to the situation.
Also from a purely practical position it's hard trying to mention stuff when you have 20 minutes or less with the pdoc every 6 months and the previously described scenario re having depot which basically involves getting you in and out of the room as quickly as possible with minimal verbal interaction.