pain days where you wonder...

[Mark N]

what is the point of living. I have had a major flare that I will have to soon admit it is more than a flare. Today was just so overwhelming I wondered if I do anyone any good being around. Now don't get me wrong as this isn't close to a suicide issue [something I would never do for a variety of reasons] but definitely a pain crisis as it taken all my brain focus on pain squeezing out every good input - today was a gorgeous day outside. As pain was squeezing out all the good things in life I started wondering if I was doing my wife any good but I know that she and my family would miss out on what I can give the family. My older granddaughter loves when grandpa comes over to play and the new granddaughter will have a chance to find out how much fun grandpa can be. My son will need to talk to me about his experiences in the Army especially if he gets into combat as some point in his career. He knows he can tell me anything and I will still love him whether I agree with him or not. I also have a better understanding of what he is going through since I went through the Marines and no one else has been in the military, in the family that is still living.

I know many of us get to the point that pain is so overwhelming but I hope all of us can focus on today hoping tomorrow will be better or at least the next few hours will be better. I have a massage appointment set up for this afternoon so I will feel better for a short while but I hope it breaks the cycle of this cervical pain so that my left side is good for something other than seeing how much pain I can endure.

[Eva 14]

Mark, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a major flare in your pain. It's terrible when that happens. I hope the massage helps you.

You're lucky to have a family that loves you. I just talked to a fellow patient at my pain doctor's office who had no family at all---he said it's horrible! I basically am in the same boat as that fellow, so I could relate to his loneliness. He actually had parents who are still alive who moved far away---that's exactly what my parents did to me. It really hurts to be so ill and then to be abandoned. My mom loves me, but my father is another story. It was my father's idea to move out to the middle of nowhere and leave me all alone with my pain. My mom wishes she could be with me.

I try not to think about all this too much, because it is depressing. So I try to focus on the positives in life, just as you said. There will always be another beautiful sunset, nature to walk in, animals to play with, etc. And you have your family who loves you so much. It must be wonderful to have grandchildren. You already know how much everyone would miss you, so please stick around :).

I pray that tommorow will find you in a less painful state.

Best Wishes,
Eva

[Karenica]

Mark, so sorry to hear that your having a rough time, but I can certainly understand that type of pain. You have a wonderful family, and you have a terrific outlook on all areas of life, I can see you now having fun with you grandchild and soon to be new grandchild that is coming soon. Your a great husband, dad, grandfather, and friend to everyone. So when you have your rough days, we all understand. Hope your massage relieves some of your pain, thinking of you.
Karenica

[Mark N]

Wednesday was the lowest day and thankfully I got in to get a massage. She did a deep muscle massage this time because the number of knots forming up in my muscles. It has given me some relief and even though I still feel it on my left side and in my elbow the deep intense pain isn't there. Boy she hit a couple of knots that felt like she stabbed me with a knife and just ground it in but it got my muscles to relax.

Eva, I often think how bad it would be if I were alone and I wonder how I could make it. I am sorry that you an the guy at the doctor's are dealing with this pain all by yourself. Even at the worst time Wednesday I visited with my daughter and granddaughters which took some of the focus off my pain for a it. Family and friends can't stop the pain but can help get you through the really rough spells.

Karenica, thanks for the response as pain at this level makes me question everything especially when there is no break in the pain. Thankfully I still have a couple ways to break the cycle for a while. Thanks for the compliments as it helps to know that others think of me when it gets so bad. The new granddaughter is a doll and I have to say is the best behaved infant I have known. I hope she keeps it up for her parents as you know they can't be good all the time. Her sister sure does lover her and that is a bonus.

[alex44]

Mark Sorry to hear about the flare. I hope things are improving for you. I am very lucky to have My fiancee, she deals with a lot of the same issues I do in referance to pain. Lately (3-4) mo's, there has just not been enough of anything. My cars P. Steeering pump went out,150. or so there. the rooftop central air is going... Thankfully, we are very blessed. a community agency paid our electric bill ( which by the way, it's getting harder and harder to get that kind of assistance) God bless them, and they are going to weatherize our home and drop a new A/C unit on the roof - I may have had to sell our house if not for these blessed people. Mark, we are both very blessed to have family, I know where you are coming from, been there, don't ever want to go back. I feel worse for my S/O - she has lost her sense of fun, I'm not far behind, but I find If i set myself one small task every day, get it done, it helps. that and the two VA doc's I see, one therapist and one shrink - it helps, wish I could get cindy to go. Hope this finds you well and as pain free as possible.
Blessings
Alex44
Skypilot

[alex44]

Mark Sorry to hear about the flare. I hope things are improving for you. I am very lucky to have My fiancee, she deals with a lot of the same issues I do in referance to pain. Lately (3-4) mo's, there has just not been enough of anything. My cars P. Steeering pump went out,150. or so there. the rooftop central air is going... Thankfully, we are very blessed. a community agency paid our electric bill ( which by the way, it's getting harder and harder to get that kind of assistance) God bless them, and they are going to weatherize our home and drop a new A/C unit on the roof - I may have had to sell our house if not for these blessed people. Mark, we are both very blessed to have family, I know where you are coming from, been there, don't ever want to go back. I feel worse for my S/O - she has lost her sense of fun, I'm not far behind, but I find If i set myself one small task every day, get it done, it helps. that and the two VA doc's I see, one therapist and one shrink - it helps, wish I could get cindy to go. Hope this finds you well and as pain free as possible.
Blessings
Alex44
Skypilot
I wish I had grand kids - how old are they if you don't mind me asking
A.

[Mark N]

lexs, thanks for the response. I know you have been through the ringer and know what it is like to deal with this pain. The pain is better since the massage so I am thankful to have some relief. The one granddaughter was just born and will be one week old tomorrow and her sister is 2. The younger one is more for the women to hold but the two year old loves to play and really enjoys life.

[Boxerlover]

Hey Mark, sorry to hear you are flaring. I am glad the massage helped some and you got a little respite. I used to pray everyday that God would take me home. I still have those days, especially now as my husband and I are really struggling in our marriage. The last two years have been very bad. He is still young(42) and could go on to live a very normal life. I just cannot do that anymore and the pressure to do things I cannot along with the disengagement is so depressing. Living like this wears on you and it takes a toll. In a way I wish I knew the toll it was going to take on my marriage so I could have been better prepared.

[alex44]

Congrats Mark
Alex44

[Mark N]

Boxerlover, I am sorry to hear your marriage is on the rocks as I know what that is like. It is difficult for our spouses as we have to live with our pain and discomfort just as they live with our pain but by walking away they never have to deal with it again. A counselor told me that over 80% of marriages end for people that develop disabilities for that reason. My wife struggled with coming to terms with it herself as I was a high profile person in the community as the football coach and even though she didn't really enjoy that it meant a lot to her. Being disabled I was nothing in her eyes because she has always put value on herself and others for the work they do. I wish there were a way to help you improve and to help your marriage but you know as I do there isn't much we can do at this time. Hang in there the best you can.