Haven't posted in awhile, but do visit to read every now and then as I relate to so many posts. My doctor's office initiated a drug policy (pain agreement & forms, outlining evaluation of pain, percentage of relief, functions allowed by medication, etc.) I wrote about this last year, how paranoid it was making me.
It's been almost a year. So far, there is no problem with my doctor, but he reviews these forms every time we go in (every three mos.) I have had one disabling injury for 16 yrs. now -- the pain and abnormal feeling & paralysis caused by this botched surgery has never changed - and it changed my life forever, as well as my husband's. Now, after 16 yrs., I have increased pain from arthritis, which has disabled me further. It's hard for me to estimate my pain each time from 1-10. I'm always in pain, but I do get relief from my meds. I still stumble with questions about what my meds. have allowed me to do, as I'm able to do so little and this has been a constant.
All this scrutiny (now my pharmacy is involved telling me for the FIRST time that I was refilling my Rx's too early and they'd have to fax my doctor.) It's all so humiliating. I advised my pharmacy quite strongly to NOT FAX MY DOCTOR and they did anyway, which he subsequently approved. I BLASTED the pharmacy the next day for filling the Rx.
Thinking about this all the time has brought back some mini panic attacks and my resting pulse is anywhere from 90 to 100, even 115 once, although my blood pressure is normal range (take bp med). Now, I have memories and nightmares of the original accident, doctors yelling at me to lift my leg, move my toes, the bright lights, the gurneys, the extended hospital stay, the horrible shock, the forms, the questions -- seeing a psychiatrist for 3 yrs. twice a week -- finally feeling I'd reached some point of acceptance and relieved of MAJOR resulting panic attacks. (In the beginning I had eight different MDs, different specialities, concerning this injury.)
(It's such a haunting memory to me; when we arrived at the hospital 16 yrs. ago @ 5:00 a.m., it was very foggy, and right in the middle of a vacant parking lot adjacent to where we parked was an empty wheel chair -- just sitting there, like it was waiting for someone. The leg of the chair was extending out & the chair was crooked, at an angle facing us. I've never forgotten this -- and now the memory has returned in a nightmare.) It later seemed to me like a foretelling.
The forms I'm required to fill out change every time (2-3 pgs.) This seems to have changed my whole life again, constantly worrying about the changing regulations -- how far it will go, getting cut off, home invasions for drugs (prevalent in our state, although we live in a secured area), drug shortages & thefts @ pharmacies. What is Happening??? I have a constant aura of "CHANGE" haunting me in an area I thought I'd accepted long ago. I dread seeing the doctor now, but he's as supportive as ever. What if I lose him. The staff is better ~ probably a drain on them too.
And all the while, I get older and develop more problems. And I will never have another surgery again, ever, unless I'm unconscious and unable to register my feelings. Obviously this major trauma in my life and the events surrounding it, are surfacing again with all this evolving scrutiny.
Thank you all for listening. I know many of you have problems worse than mine. I empathize with all of you!