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    Giving up

    I posted this in the autism forum, but there are a couple of questions here I would like to get some input for and so decided to copy and paste and hope some of you have some insight.
    Thanks much.

    Hello all.
    I am not sure who all here remembers me, I am sure there are a lot of new faces/names that don't know who I am.
    After my divorce in 2008 I just found it so hard to get back in here, life got more complicated been me who does it all including the income part.
    Four years later here I am, exosted and drained from it all. Last year I filed Bankrupcy because it has come almost impossible to work with my daughter's Rachel needs.
    I believe Rachel has Bi-Polar on top of her severe Autism, everyone else seems to think so as well.
    State drags their feet about it and promises promises promises that are empty come showering to me and I am sick of it all.

    I have been waiting for all the intervention that has been promised to me to stop the situation I am in now from happening, but it never arrived.
    Last Monday my daughter attacked me and beat me up. Called the Crisis line who called the police department who came to interfeer. I never thought this would ever have to happen here, but it has.
    I keep knifes away because in the past she has come at me with them. I keep medicines locked because she has overdosed and ended up in the hospital.
    Her now at 12, hormones have kicked in and dear God, I never thought her strangth would be this bad.
    This summer she has ended up in the ER more then once. It has taken 4 security guards plus me and a nurse and plenty of people hanging around to pitch in if needed, just to restrain her, so how on earth could I do this on my own at home. I did everything to keep my son safe and took the beating, because I love them boat.

    I feel now, and I know, that there is no other choice then to give up my parental rights on her, I can no longer keep her at home, it is not safe for her, for my son and for me. Outside of the home we hardly ever go anywhere, and if we do, is a car drive, and my son gets down and does the shopping while I wait with my daughter in the car. It is not safe for me to take her out in public. I have a harness for her and a leach for when I just have to, like doctors appointments and clinic appointments.

    I am sure some will judge me for it, I have been told yes you can do this yes you can, I CAN'T, I feel guilt yes, I want to keep her home YES, I want things to be good enough for her to stay with me, Yes, but they are not, and reality hit me hard with her poucing on me violently last Monday.

    She ended up in the ER, who transfer to a mental hospital, and after doing the intake and waiting for a doctor to evaluate her so they could admit her, for HOURS, they finally come in this room where we made to sit, and announced that the insurance company did not want her admited and they ask to make an emergency appointment with the mental health doctor, dear God, Money over our safety, how sweet.

    Upto that point, I had a tiny little bit of hope, that perhaps they could get her under control, but that was just fooling myself because deep inside of me, I known for a while now that this day was coming fast at me.

    I feel guilty, how can I give her up, I did not had kids to send them away, I had them to love them and raise them and do it all for them to help them become someone in life, now I have to face this one fact that I can't.

    My son is also autistic, in the high end of the spectrum. Due to all the attention I have to give my daughter, he has been neglected quite badly because as soon as I get Rachel under control I will get to him, but I can't no more, he needs me, I need to be a mom to him too and help him become an adult. He is so sweet and loves his sister to pieces, but this is affecting him greatly, he does not want her to go, but I have to prepare him.

    I have no idea how to do the giving up part. I have a team meeting from this clinic we just got transfered with, they do a lot of the doctor and aba and all of that. At the intake meeting I was promised all the things I have been asking for Rachel for years. And I was actually excited until I remember been here before with other places and when it came down to it, nothing much happaned. Do I have the time to wait and see if they trully will do what they say they will? I feel not, because I am no longer safe.

    I have woken up twice in the last week, around 2 am or 3am with my daughter standing above me searching me for the keys of the padlock I keep at the front door so she won't escape again (she about got runned over a couple of times because of it). I sleep with the keys on me and here she is, searching me like mad for them. I wake up at night, to hear her footsteps pacing like a caged lion, back and forth between the livingroom and the bedroom, going to the kitchen, opening the friedge, closing it and pacing some more.

    Has anyone here has ever needed to give up rights for a special need child? What had to happen in order to be done and how long did it took?

    I am starting to feel like my mental state is no longer where it should be, I feel I am all shaken up and I don't want to be like this, I want to be me again.

    There is so much, and so much in my heart and my mind right now that I would not know how to put it all in here, but I am hurting, so I leave it to this.
    Keep us in your prayers please, I keep you all in my heart.

    matika

    #2
    Replied to the other thread just wanted to give you another (((HUG)))

    Comment


      #3
      ((((((Matika))))))

      My heart is breaking for you, Rachel, and your son. Your situation is extremely difficult. You need community support, and you need it now.

      My first thought is that you might find assistance from a local advocacy group. You need an advocate or a lawyer to help you fight the System to get everything Rachel needs. You have two children with extraordinary needs, and you need help to be able to keep them at home with you, or find a suitable placement for Rachel. You need a lawyer to represent Rachel and you, so that you don't lose your parental rights or guardianship of Rachel, if she lives outside of your home.

      Rachel's living arrangements do not and should not impact your rights as her mother and parent. You need legal advice prior to signing any agreements or contracts pertaining to Rachel, so I suggest that is where you begin.

      You might begin by searching the internet for advocacy groups for developmental disabilities, or disabilities, or autism, etc. for your specific area/town/county/state.

      You can also contact your local Social Services Agency and ask for an appointment with a counselor to explain your situation and find out what kind of services are available to Rachel and your family through federal/state/county programs.

      Are you getting any support from Rachel's school? Her teacher, principal, counselors, etc.? Can they advocate with you for the care/attention Rachel needs?

      How about Rachel's doctor? Does s/he recognize these changes in Rachel, and can s/he authorize in patient treatment?

      Is Rachel taking any meds, and if so, could they be contributing to her worsening behavior? I don't know much about the meds given for Autism or bi-polar disorder, but I am aware that some of them can cause behavior issues as an adverse side effect.

      The ideal would be to get Rachel's behavior under control, so that she is no longer a threat to herself, you, her brother, or anyone else. Whether she remains at home with you and your son, or she resides elsewhere, her issues will persist, unless she receives the proper intervention and treatment.

      You are exhausted and terrified with good reason, and Rachel is surely suffering as well. It is quite understandable that you feel like giving up, and that your fears are propelling you toward finding another residence for Rachel. I imagine that your coping skills are in the toilet by now.

      While in the process of sorting out these very complicated issues, be sure that your rights and Rachel's rights are protected.

      Please check your Private Messages (PM), as I sent you some information, which might be helpful to you.

      Sending up prayers that you will receive the proper guidance, support, and assistance for the best outcome for all of you ~

      Love & Light,

      Rose
      Mom to Jon, 49, & Michael, 32, born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease. Angel Michael received his wings in 2003. Angel Jon received his wings in 2019. In 2020, Jim, their Dad, joined them.

      Comment


        #4
        Dear Matika,
        I am so very sorry that you are having such a terrible time - you are in crisis with a terrible lack of support for your whole family. I have been thinking a lot about you and praying that help will arrive soon. I live in Canada, so I think the system here is different from where you are. When I was in crisis a few years ago, The Children's Aid Society here became involved (child protection, basically) and they were actually helpful in an appeal process for tripling the amount of home help that we needed. I hope something similar can be done for you. Prayers going up and there is no one better here to advise than Rose. Good luck.
        Donna
        Donna, Mum to Natalie (22), ablebodied, kind and beautiful and Nicholas(26), severe CP, non-verbal, tube fed, multiple surgeries, chronic pain, happy kid except when the Liverpool football club or the Ottawa Senators Hockey Team are losing!
        Check out my blog: http://www.donnathomson.com

        Comment


          #5
          Hello everyone, thanks for your replies.
          My apologies for not commenting, I been in the hospital again with Rachel, this time was worse, she is in so much stress, my heart is broken up for her. I never thought I see her do this badly.
          I am in a battle with DDD, CPS, and the darn insurance company,, they all are pointing fingers at each other and say, no it's them who have to place her not us, and meanwhile my daughter is in a hospital setting that is not appropriate for her and they do not know how to handle it.
          I went to visit her today, was so happy to see her, but I knew it would be bad when it was time for me to leave, so it was. It was a battle, I had to pin her down on the floor as she runned down the hall with a dozen medical staff after her. She sees me and calls me Mommy and runs to me, she never calls me mommy. They sedated her.. what the hell is wrong with this people that can't seem to get it together to get the help for her.
          Either way, I will no longer take her home, I will force them to take care of her, to get her placed, I can't take any more beatings, I am bruiced all over.

          I am such a baby when it comes to her because I love her and it hurts to see her like this. Yet, I have to act thought and be strong for her and with her.
          In a way I am relieved not to have her home for 3 nights now, but in a way it's killing me just thinking what on earth she must be thinking I am doing to her by leaving her there.

          I am exosted, I will update you all tomorrow, but I do appreciate your comments. Right now, I am on my way to research seizures triggered by noise, this one thing, could be a possibility.

          Comment


            #6
            Matika, we placed our son in a residential care home, he's 23. It worked out really well, it's not always terrible. God bless and we'll all keep praying. xoxo
            Donna, Mum to Natalie (22), ablebodied, kind and beautiful and Nicholas(26), severe CP, non-verbal, tube fed, multiple surgeries, chronic pain, happy kid except when the Liverpool football club or the Ottawa Senators Hockey Team are losing!
            Check out my blog: http://www.donnathomson.com

            Comment


              #7
              ((((((Matika))))))

              I'm so sorry to hear about Rachel's current situation and the struggles you are facing.

              Please check your Private Messages, as I sent you information, which might help you find an advocate to support you through this ordeal. At the very top of the page here, you will see "Notifications." If you click on that it should take you to your Private Messages.

              You can't and you should not do this on your own. You need support from someone, who is knowledgeable in the law to protect you and Rachel.

              If you leave the choice of placement solely up to the "people in charge," you may not be happy with their choice. You should be participating in the process of choosing where Rachel will reside and what kind of therapy and treatment she should receive.

              An advocate can help to ensure that you are a part of the decision-making process. And an advocate helps to lift some of the burden off of you. An advocate can listen and hear things you might miss, because you are exhausted, overwrought, and deeply connected to Rachel.

              My prayers for all of you continue ~

              Love & Light,

              Rose
              Mom to Jon, 49, & Michael, 32, born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease. Angel Michael received his wings in 2003. Angel Jon received his wings in 2019. In 2020, Jim, their Dad, joined them.

              Comment


                #8
                Matika, Rose is giving wise and important advice. I hope it helps.
                Donna, Mum to Natalie (22), ablebodied, kind and beautiful and Nicholas(26), severe CP, non-verbal, tube fed, multiple surgeries, chronic pain, happy kid except when the Liverpool football club or the Ottawa Senators Hockey Team are losing!
                Check out my blog: http://www.donnathomson.com

                Comment


                  #9
                  Update on my daughter.
                  After a long week and battling with the insurance company, DDD, and CPS, I was asked Thursday if I was still standing firm in my decition not to take her home and I said yes. At that point DDD said it was CPS responsability to place her. What the person in DDD did not know is that I had already gotten an email from another worker at their office saying CPS would do temporary placement and then they would do a permanent placement themselfs.
                  After thinking all of this overnight, I received a call from the hospital that they where planning on sending Rachel home. I told them I understood they where in a bad position as the childrens floor is not a mental health setting. I immediatly got on the phone and called everyone. I finally got hold of DDD and they put me in conference with my caseworker and her supervisor and I told them, that yes, CPS would have to get involved to place her if I refuse to take her home and DDD refused to place her, they will not just abandon her there, but it its not their responsability to place her permanently, and that seen all that is going on with Rachel, it is obious that she needs placement, at least for some time until we work out her needs, therapy, medication and placing a proper support care for her at home if that is what they want her to be at. They finally gave in and said they had the paperwork there and they filled it for me over the phone, then I drove over to sign it right away. While there, lots of calls to everyone where made, and my paperwork was forwarded to the proper department. Before I left they said they thought they had found a placement for her, which it was a miracle on it'self as they thought might take almost a week, at least Monday since the weekend was getting on the way.
                  By the time I got home, a grouphome was found, and I got to packing her things, very difficult to do as feelings just started flooding me.
                  The group home Rachel was placed seems to be an appropriate setting. Everything I told them about triggers, habits, ocd, etc, they would said, ah yes we have someone similar, or yes we had that in the past. I was very comfortable with her placement. They will drive her to appointments, they will take her to school, they will do all that so I an concentrate on setting services for her, making appointments, taking classes, and taking care of my son as well.
                  I am going to have to find a job as most of her SSI will go to DDD, which is fine, I will find something.
                  This is in for a long run, Classes are backed up and takes time and $ that I don't have, so I hope they are ready to cover some of that.
                  For now, I am glad placement happen Friday evening, I won't receive no calls, I can't make any calls either to any office. I called the group home last night, they said she gets a room all to her self, she was ok with the transfer, she got to explore and play outside too. They have 24 hour care so there is always someone watching them which is a relief as Rachel gets up at night and walks around in the dark. Next week will be a different life for us, Joshua starts school and I start looking for work.
                  Thanks all for your responses, I did found an advocate, it was a personal friend from our church and she was here in most of the meetings I had. She contacted, researched and talked to her neighboor who happens to be director of the human rights advocacy deparment and a lawyer. Unfortunally she said, there are very few lawyers who handle children's cases because the state does not like placing children outside of them home. I suppose if she kills me in one of her rage fits they would have no choice hu? But that there, getting hurt worse or even having my son get hurt is what worries me too, and this is why I have been needing her placed.
                  I am finally getting to sleep, which it was much needed.
                  Blessings

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Hi!

                    So glad to hear they found a good placement for your daughter! Praying you are able to find a good job soon!!

                    Lisa O.
                    sigpicLisa O: mom to Caitlin (14-CP, VA shunt, seizures), Brandon (12), Tyler (10), Logan (7)...my babies are all getting so old!!

                    Comment


                      #11
                      ((((((matika))))))

                      I can only try to imagine how stressful and difficult all of this has been for you. You persevered and stayed strong, and you prevailed. If there were an Olympic medal for what you've endured and accomplished, you would surely win the Gold.

                      I'm glad that you had an advocate with you, and that you feel comfortable with Rachel's residential setting and caregivers. I hope that Rachel adjusts quickly and that she receives the care and treatment she needs.

                      May you rest and sleep well and find a job very soon.

                      Please keep us posted on how you, Rachel, and your son are doing.

                      Love & Light,

                      Rose
                      Mom to Jon, 49, & Michael, 32, born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease. Angel Michael received his wings in 2003. Angel Jon received his wings in 2019. In 2020, Jim, their Dad, joined them.

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Oh, that's so tough and I'm so sorry. It's hard enough for two adults to deal. Impossible to do it on your own in such a hard situation. Have you considered trying to get the school system to send her to a residential school? You wouldn't have to give her up - the school district pays for it. And she could come home when you could handle it. In the meantime, they might be able to teach her some of the lifeskills that she will need. And it will give you space to deal with everything else.

                        {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
                        Momster, mom to 2 boys: one of whom has CP, NLD, ADD, anxiety disorder, osteopenia/porosis and a few other letters following his name; and married 25 years to a wonderful guy

                        Comment


                          #13
                          It has been now about a month that Rachel went to live at a group home. Like if Autism wasn't enough, my suspisions of schizo and bi-polar were confirmed by an evaluation. Rachel is also schizoaffective.
                          She continues to go down hill in the psichollogical end of things. Her rages don't make sense. Some of the things she loves the best end up broken because she looses control. She is hurting people right and left and now the new school she was placed can't handle her. Have another IEP set up to transfer her to a private school that is in a behavioral hospital, perhaps, this is the best for her.

                          She is now banging her head on the wall on a regular basis and am affraid she is going to end up with brain damage, or crack her skull or just screw her head even more. She has another evaluation coming mid this month for a second opinion, but there is no doubt in my mind that this new evaluation will say the same, Rachel is schizoaffective.

                          DDD placed Rachel at this group home, and I am still satisfied with the care they give her, I have no complains there whatsoever, they go above and beyond to take care of her and deal with her when she goes off. DDD placed her on a six month term at the time, them thinking that eventually Rachel might be able to come home and that we will be working on having her come home. They want me to get training so I know how to handle her, in other words, restraining her to keep her put until she is done with her fits or rage, but I have seen her been restrained for a very long time without her giving up. I did so at the hospital when they had her there and no one seem to know how to control her, I had to climb on top of her and hold her down, I was down with her for at least 30 minutes, and even after sedation medication was used with her, she was still raging. Finally, she had to be carried and restrains used to tie her to the bed to keep her there. Oh it has been fun, NOT. DDD will re-evaluate every six months, and since it's been 1 month with Zero improvements, actually the opposite, I trully doubt it if she will be able to come home after the first six months, and honestly, I do not want to learn how to handle my daughter in that way, I don't feel I should be made to do this.

                          I am still looking for work, but again it is difficult when every week, once, or twice a week, there is another appointment, meeting, incident, etc etc related to her that I have to attend to, am wondering how long should I keep doing this and putting my financial situation at risk of us loosing everything including our living arrangements because I do not have a job. Can I get a job, yes I could, easily, would they allow me to go off once, twice a week to take care of an emergency, very likely that would get me dismissed in less then a month, if at all hired because I would give heads up on the matter.

                          I am looking for overnight work so I can at least miss less things, but that would mean me leaving my autistic son home alone through the night, which he can handle, but there are some times he gets anxious or confused, then what? I am stuck between the point of several swords pointing at me.

                          I am starting to loose my own sanity over all this, even if I am now getting better sleep, still the preasure of all this is making me spin in circles, I honestly am thinking of going on antidepresants for a while, because I get so down and I just can't seem to stop crying at times, when I least expect it, tears are running down my face, I am depressed and need help.

                          I probably am just rumbling on and on and not making much sense, I just needed to get it all out.
                          Hugs all
                          matika

                          Comment


                            #14
                            ((((((matika))))))

                            I'm glad that you are getting it all out. That's healthy. You need to do that, and we're here to listen and to support you.

                            Everything which you've written makes complete sense, and I feel that I have a fairly good concept of the challenges you are facing, and those confronting Rachel.

                            Obviously, placing Rachel outside of your home was the best thing for her and for you and your son. You saw that, and although it's ripping you apart, you made the right decision.

                            While I think it might be a good idea for you to be trained in how to handle Rachel when she rages, I can certainly understand your hesitancy to bring her home and have to do that with her. It's one thing to be a paid professional managing an individual with Rachel's diagnoses, and quite another to be that person's mother. In her current settings, more than one person is available to assist, if things escalate or get out of hand. You don't have that extra person or persons to come to your rescue at home.

                            During the next 5 months, we'll pray that Rachel makes many improvements and that her outbursts will diminish. It's a wonderful goal for Rachel to return home to her family, and that is the ideal. But the ideal isn't always reachable. What kind of in home support is DDD willing to provide for you and Rachel? Aides? Behavior specialists? Home is only the best place for Rachel, if all of her needs can be met there. You are only one person. The people, who are serving her now, work in shifts and have time off. You would be caring for Rachel 24/7. Big difference. You would need support in the home.

                            To protect Rachel's skull, I would recommend that she wear a helmet. Sometimes that is just necessary, as many parents here can attest. Michael wore a helmet for a few years due to his seizures. It might be worth discussing with her care givers and DDD.

                            A possible solution for you might be finding a job you can do from home or some form of self employment, where you are your own boss. Does your state have In Home Supportive Services (IHSS)? If so, you might investigate that as an option, should Rachel return home, you could be paid as her IHSS careprovider.

                            I'm so sorry for all that Rachel and you are enduring. I hope that having these additional diagnoses and being heard by the "authorities" feels like progress to you, because it is. You are being validated at last with all of your concerns for your daughter. As a result of your very difficult decision and relentless efforts, Rachel is getting the help she needs.

                            Please keep us updated.

                            Continued prayers ~

                            Love & Light,

                            Rose
                            Mom to Jon, 49, & Michael, 32, born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease. Angel Michael received his wings in 2003. Angel Jon received his wings in 2019. In 2020, Jim, their Dad, joined them.

                            Comment

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