I am not sure who all here remembers me, I am sure there are a lot of new faces/names that don't know who I am.
After my divorce in 2008 I just found it so hard to get back in here, life got more complicated been me who does it all including the income part.
Four years later here I am, exosted and drained from it all. Last year I filed Bankrupcy because it has come almost impossible to work with my daughter's Rachel needs.
I believe Rachel has Bi-Polar on top of her severe Autism, everyone else seems to think so as well.
State drags their feet about it and promises promises promises that are empty come showering to me and I am sick of it all.
I have been waiting for all the intervention that has been promised to me to stop the situation I am in now from happening, but it never arrived.
Last Monday my daughter attacked me and beat me up. Called the Crisis line who called the police department who came to interfeer. I never thought this would ever have to happen here, but it has.
I keep knifes away because in the past she has come at me with them. I keep medicines locked because she has overdosed and ended up in the hospital.
Her now at 12, hormones have kicked in and dear God, I never thought her strangth would be this bad.
This summer she has ended up in the ER more then once. It has taken 4 security guards plus me and a nurse and plenty of people hanging around to pitch in if needed, just to restrain her, so how on earth could I do this on my own at home. I did everything to keep my son safe and took the beating, because I love them boat.
I feel now, and I know, that there is no other choice then to give up my parental rights on her, I can no longer keep her at home, it is not safe for her, for my son and for me. Outside of the home we hardly ever go anywhere, and if we do, is a car drive, and my son gets down and does the shopping while I wait with my daughter in the car. It is not safe for me to take her out in public. I have a harness for her and a leach for when I just have to, like doctors appointments and clinic appointments.
I am sure some will judge me for it, I have been told yes you can do this yes you can, I CAN'T, I feel guilt yes, I want to keep her home YES, I want things to be good enough for her to stay with me, Yes, but they are not, and reality hit me hard with her poucing on me violently last Monday.
She ended up in the ER, who transfer to a mental hospital, and after doing the intake and waiting for a doctor to evaluate her so they could admit her, for HOURS, they finally come in this room where we made to sit, and announced that the insurance company did not want her admited and they ask to make an emergency appointment with the mental health doctor, dear God, Money over our safety, how sweet.
Upto that point, I had a tiny little bit of hope, that perhaps they could get her under control, but that was just fooling myself because deep inside of me, I known for a while now that this day was coming fast at me.
I feel guilty, how can I give her up, I did not had kids to send them away, I had them to love them and raise them and do it all for them to help them become someone in life, now I have to face this one fact that I can't.
My son is also autistic, in the high end of the spectrum. Due to all the attention I have to give my daughter, he has been neglected quite badly because as soon as I get Rachel under control I will get to him, but I can't no more, he needs me, I need to be a mom to him too and help him become an adult. He is so sweet and loves his sister to pieces, but this is affecting him greatly, he does not want her to go, but I have to prepare him.
I have no idea how to do the giving up part. I have a team meeting from this clinic we just got transfered with, they do a lot of the doctor and aba and all of that. At the intake meeting I was promised all the things I have been asking for Rachel for years. And I was actually excited until I remember been here before with other places and when it came down to it, nothing much happaned. Do I have the time to wait and see if they trully will do what they say they will? I feel not, because I am no longer safe.
I have woken up twice in the last week, around 2 am or 3am with my daughter standing above me searching me for the keys of the padlock I keep at the front door so she won't escape again (she about got runned over a couple of times because of it). I sleep with the keys on me and here she is, searching me like mad for them. I wake up at night, to hear her footsteps pacing like a caged lion, back and forth between the livingroom and the bedroom, going to the kitchen, opening the friedge, closing it and pacing some more.
Has anyone here has ever needed to give up rights for a special need child? What had to happen in order to be done and how long did it took?
I am starting to feel like my mental state is no longer where it should be, I feel I am all shaken up and I don't want to be like this, I want to be me again.
There is so much, and so much in my heart and my mind right now that I would not know how to put it all in here, but I am hurting, so I leave it to this.
Keep us in your prayers please, I keep you all in my heart.