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Thread: Sex and The Special Needs Parent

  1. #1
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    Default Sex and The Special Needs Parent

    Hi Everyone,
    I thought I'd get some readers of my latest blog post with that title! It's really about staying close to your partner when parenting is tough and all consuming.

    http://www.donnathomson.com/2012/06/....html?spref=tw
    Donna, Mum to Natalie (22), ablebodied, kind and beautiful and Nicholas(26), severe CP, non-verbal, tube fed, multiple surgeries, chronic pain, happy kid except when the Liverpool football club or the Ottawa Senators Hockey Team are losing!
    Check out my blog: http://www.donnathomson.com


  2. #2
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    ((((((Donna))))))

    Sex?

    What is that?

    Is it like a vacation?



    Love & Light,

    Rose
    Mom to Jon, 48, (seizure disorder; Gtube; trache; colostomy; osteoporosis; hypothyroid; enlarged prostate; lymphedema, assorted mysteries) and Michael, 32, (intractable seizures; Gtube), who were born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease and courageous spirits. Our Angel Michael received his wings in 2003 and now resides in Heaven. Our Angel Jon lives at home with me and Jim, the world's most wonderful dad.

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    Aha, Rose. I don't know the answer to your question.... maybe it's a vacation, or possibly it's chocolate.
    Donna, Mum to Natalie (22), ablebodied, kind and beautiful and Nicholas(26), severe CP, non-verbal, tube fed, multiple surgeries, chronic pain, happy kid except when the Liverpool football club or the Ottawa Senators Hockey Team are losing!
    Check out my blog: http://www.donnathomson.com


  4. #4
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    Chocolate.

    Definitely.

    Mom to Jon, 48, (seizure disorder; Gtube; trache; colostomy; osteoporosis; hypothyroid; enlarged prostate; lymphedema, assorted mysteries) and Michael, 32, (intractable seizures; Gtube), who were born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease and courageous spirits. Our Angel Michael received his wings in 2003 and now resides in Heaven. Our Angel Jon lives at home with me and Jim, the world's most wonderful dad.

  5. #5
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    Wink But, seriously ...

    ((((((Donna))))))

    Thank you for blogging about this very important topic.


    The rate of divorce among parents of children with special needs is alarmingly high. Many factors contribute to this phenomenon, including a loss of intimacy.

    By intimacy, I'm referring to more than sex. Intimacy involves sharing of oneself, of opening up to each other in ways that we do not open up to others in our life.

    The foundation for any kind of intimacy is communication. We can't be close to each other, if we don't talk to each other. If we don't know what our spouse needs and/or wants in our marriage, we can't possibly respond to those needs and wants. Likewise, if we don't share our needs/wants with our spouse, we can't expect our spouse to read our minds.

    When the doors of communication are left wide open, the opportunity always exists for us to express our intimacy. Coping with a crisis, dealing with every day mundane issues, partnering to make family decisions -- whatever we do in our union as one, while remaining individuals, depends upon communication.

    Intimacy is that knowing look we give to each other, where we communicate volumes non-verbally. It's finishing each other's sentences or declaring, "I was just going to say the same thing!"

    It's the reassurance that no matter what happens, we are in it together until the end.

    Sometimes, all we need to reconnect as a couple is to take a few moments for a gentle hug, a little hand holding, a tender kiss, a kind word or compliment, a bit of teasing and joking, dancing to a song on the radio, saying those three beautiful words, "I love you," or offering some small gesture of our love and appreciation to our spouse.

    Next month, Jim and I will celebrate 20 years together, 18 in marriage. For all of these years, we have been together constantly, 24/7/365, with only a few hours apart as circumstances present. He did leave for 5 days in 1999 to attend his mother's funeral. We talked on the phone three times a day, and when he came home, anyone who saw us embrace would have thought he had just returned from 2 years at war.

    Of course, we are the exception, as Jon and Michael aren't Jim's biological offspring. That alone makes the fact that our marriage works pretty astonishing.

    We were brought together because of Michael and Jon. I can't count the number of times (especially at the hospital) that I've heard how lucky I am to find a man, who would take on the responsibility of my two adult sons.

    I just answer that I'm very fortunate to have found a man with so much love in his heart that he wanted to be a part of our family. Jim never refers to our boys as his stepsons. They are his sons.

    After Michael's memorial service, a good friend shared with us that she had counseled her daughter and fiance about marriage, using us an example. She said, "Think about all of the devastating things that can happen in life. Illness, death, loss of your job, so many things that life throws our way. If you can't be together as one through those things, like Rose and Jim are, you have no business getting married. Because you just never know what curves life will hand you."

    Marriage is hard work, and we should never take it for granted that our partner will always be there for us. We need to talk things through with honesty and to listen with compassion to our other half. We need to say "we're sorry," when things go awry, and mean it. We need to be willing to start over every day to strengthen our union and our commitment to the love, which pulled us to each other in the beginning.

    And, if we're lucky, sometimes we may actually have sex.

    Or chocolate.

    Either way. It's still all good.

    Love & Light,

    Rose
    Mom to Jon, 48, (seizure disorder; Gtube; trache; colostomy; osteoporosis; hypothyroid; enlarged prostate; lymphedema, assorted mysteries) and Michael, 32, (intractable seizures; Gtube), who were born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease and courageous spirits. Our Angel Michael received his wings in 2003 and now resides in Heaven. Our Angel Jon lives at home with me and Jim, the world's most wonderful dad.

  6. #6
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    Dear Rose, as always, you are so eloquent and you perfectly express the intention of my post. I think there are many factors that mitigate against the survival of marriages where care needs are high for a child with disabilities. One factor is simply the current trend toward individualism. Another is parental guilt and fear of turning away from a vulnerable child, even for a minute. But, as you've said, the rewards are so great in remaining a strong partnership with good, clear communication and kindness toward one another. I'm praying for your family tonight and I know that you and Jim will be together, strong and caring for each other and of course for Jon. xo
    Donna, Mum to Natalie (22), ablebodied, kind and beautiful and Nicholas(26), severe CP, non-verbal, tube fed, multiple surgeries, chronic pain, happy kid except when the Liverpool football club or the Ottawa Senators Hockey Team are losing!
    Check out my blog: http://www.donnathomson.com


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