sad aspect of our spinal surgeries Bob Welch of Fleetwood Mac kills himself

[Mark N]

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz...ys-friend.html

Bob Welch of the group Fleetwood Mac killed himself following his spinal surgery because he feared he wasn't recovering and would become an invalid - this according to the article from the Daily Mail online newspaper. I thought I would post this as we need to be aware of the overwhelming aspect of surgery and recovery as we deal with the pain and impairment. Obviously Bob Welch had some other issue contributing to his decision but I know how hard recovery is and encourage everyone to have a support group of family, friends, or some other group as this isn't something to face on your own.

I have known several here that have died at their own hands because of the overwhelming nature of a lifetime of pain and disability with little hope of improving. I am more sensitive to this right now as I have really been struggling with increased pain and spasms. I have always had a positive approach to my life so I don't deal with the daily struggles of depression that many do. I do have to deal with knowing that short of a miracle my life will be filled with pain and discomfort until I die. The problem we all have is one that Welch brought up and that is the impact it has on our families. Not only do we deal with the pain and changes in our lives but our spouses, children, and in some cases parents have their lives disrupted too; that is a heavy burden to bear when you think you are responsible for your family's burden.

I hope that some of you will contribute to this discussion as I don't think it is anything to hide from. As I said, we have had several here that have taken their own lives so we may have people considering this; know that there are those of us willing to listen to you and let you say everything you need to say instead of taking the final step that causes such a devastating aftermath to the ones left behind.

[Ging]

Mark, you are right about this being put out there for discussion, as a friend said on our aneurysm site..." the whole person " needs to be treated! I had surgery years ago on my lower spine, lost feeling in my leg and extensive , PT. I was terrified that I would be a burden on my family . Thank God I regained feeling in my leg and recovered after many months. I thought that was the worst time of my life, little did I know I would be Dx with a very dangerous Brain aneurysm and would have to face brain surgery not once but twice to prevent a rupture, small strokes, daily headaches , trouble sleeping and very emotional slumps at times. I am very fortunate to be here! , I know many who have deep depression because of their physical limitations and their new " normal" it is very difficult . My heart goes out to anyone who is having to live with adjusting to long recoveries and permanate " scars" , both emotional and physical. Thanks for opening this up for discussion. Have a good day everyone

[mrsQ]

It is sad but I can understand getting to that point I have been there more than once.
I went to get help a few years ago and was just in tears explaining to the therapist that I had been in pain everyday of my adult life, I could no longer recall what it felt like not to be in pain, my marriage sucked, my husband was dealing with his own health problems and I was taking care of a mother in law who hated me and dementia and on top of it all now I was depressed. She looked at me like I was had just set myself on fire and asked ''you think being depressed is the problem? If you were not depressed I would worried''. Getting to the point with being ok with being sad about my disability helped me not keep it all in and not end up thinking about ending it all.
I don't worry about being a burden on my family because I have no doubts they wouldn't be. I fear getting the point of knowing I am going to end up in a nursing home and ending my life over that.
When your in pain all the time and you know it will be worse next year it is hard to think anything will be better.
Our doctors don't do a near enough to look at the burden our pain has our mental health, the actual pain, the fear of the pain and isolation it causes. If anything they give us enough drugs to try and help speed the process up half the time.

[houghchrst]

For me my anxiety, depression, and PMD all came before my pain. My pain increases it all. My situational depression gets really bad. I have not had back surgery and am praying to not have to. The injections are bad enough. The bulk of my pain is from the waist down. I imagine that there will come a time when I can no longer walk due to my feet. I am dreading losing what independence I have.

My mother put off back surgery for over a decade because she had been told that there was a possibility she may never walk again. She was in her late 40s. She finally had ER back surgery in 2009 after going to the hospital for an accidental medication overdose. She was complaining of worse than normal back pain and when they took xrays they saw a fractured crumbling vertebrae and worse. She never recovered and proceeded to even more quickly drink herself to death by the end of July 2010.

I reached my lowest point last fall. Had the pills, the mind, the place. I have a small child. I cannot leave him. There are many here who are worse off than me and power through each day. I try not to think too far ahead because there is only more pain there. It is all I can do to get through today.

As for family I have three brothers that I see occasionally, none married and my mother separated us from the cousins when my aunt died when we were young. One brother is of the mind that I need to walk it off, one thinks I should just bully through it and don't need all of these meds (he is an alcoholic), and one who has dealt with his own pain so has a glimpse.

I am in a relationship and we have been engaged for almost 15 yrs. I have continued to put it off due to my increasingly worsening physical condition and a few other issues I have. Plus when things get bad it makes it easier for him to get out while he still can. He is quite a bit younger than I and I keep thinking he has so many years left, so many things he can be doing why would he want to stay in this. This thinking has really impaired my ability to give of my whole self to the relationship and I live with a terrible fear that he will leave me because of my disabilities, talk about an oxymoron, so my jealousy is huge and sometimes almost overwhelming. I am getting better in how I speak to him and treat him. He does almost everything for me. He has put up with me for almost 15 yrs and wants nothing more than for me to let him love me. You'd think I would get a clue lol. Course my first marriage we were together for 13 years, childhood sweethearts, and after two years it was in the hole.

Okay so blah blah blah as usual my brains fell out of my mouth.....er fingertips?

[Mark N]

Everyone here has dealt with facing a life that is compromised and I wish each of us could just adapt to a different life but still feel productive. Unfortunately disability gets too severe and making it through to the next day is enough of a struggle. Christina, I agree that taking each day as it comes is the only way I can get through the pain and disability. I have a two year old granddaughter that reminds that I still can someone important in another person's life. Ging, you are an example of how we never know how our lives will be disrupted yet we need to find a way to keep going. It isn't easy as we often feel like a burden to those around us so we have our own pain but take on the pain we cause others. My wife has really struggled with my disability but we have finally gotten to a comfortable place with each other and that makes a big difference. That doesn't mean she doesn't say a hurtful thing now and then IE I need a chance to live my life before its too late.
Mrs Q you sure have a lot on your plate as if pain 24 hours a day isn't enough. I don't know how you handle everything in your life but you have to be an amazing person to deal with your pain, your husband's disability, and your MIL's dementia. Not many people could deal with all that and keep getting up each day. You are right when you said you had to be ok with being sad about your disability because if we don't we are in a fight we can't win.

I hope anyone that has felt at the end of their life thinking you can't make another day, reach out to someone else so you can make it through the day. If we can find someone that will let us reach out to them then making the choice the Welch made is less likely.

[Swmnupstrm]

I was ready to go last night. I was at about (ridiculous rating system) 9.5 and taking a hot shower and crying, when the hub opened the door and said, " I can't take this anymore, go to the Mayo Clinic".

So, I figured I am a royal pain in the *** and I'd better make a move to end this bull****.

I've been here before and not "pulled the trigger", but after 15 years of this crap, I'm getting pretty worn out.

[Mark N]

Swmnupstrm, I hope your husband is someone you can turn too. I was at that point in pain this past week, worse than any I have had in years and there was no let up. Thankfully I had my wife and son to turn to and it helped to have that as I would never kill myself but I do know what it is like to be in that much pain. You talk about it being 15 years and getting worn out because it can add up if we let it. I had to accept long ago not to thing about the past pain and only deal with today's pain because I can get through today's pain but not if I think about how many years I have been doing it. The one that really got to me was thinking of how many years I had left that I was going to deal with this pain but I have learned to not think about that either.

I can't imagine dealing with this pain by myself as the pain makes up isolated as it is. I hope you can have someone else besides your husband to go to or visit with you when things are too bad. Feel free to PM me any time you need to talk to someone as I try and check the PM every day unless it is one of my days I am too out of it.

[Swmnupstrm]

Thanks for your kind offer, Mark. Unfortunately, my husband, while supportive of medical appointments and such, has grown tired of talking about pain issues, and cannnot stand to see me cry (which I don't do very often anymore). The only person I can really talk with is my 87 year old aunt, who has similar problems - had her neck fused one year after I did.

Yeah, it's a lonely road - people don't want to hear about it anymore, so I spend a lot of time with my MP3 player - music therapy.

I, too, have learned to take one day at a time and hope for the best. After hibernating with clinical depression for 6 years, one day I decided I would start walking a little every day. That has turned into around 5 miles a day and the loss of about 65 pounds.

I guess I was just venting here - I've had a flare for the last 6 weeks and have gotten a little weary. Thanks for listening and I'll look for you in PM.

[mrsQ]

I use to say my faith/religous beliefs would keep me from ever actually harming myself but my beleifs are not what they once were.
I'm trying to figure some things out in life and make some hard choices. I have to add the weight of the chronic pain & disability with everything. What scares me is I will find myself debating my two choices and it like this little reminder saying no there is a thrid option.
I don't have any plans to harm myself it just sorta scared me how fast that thought showed up and honestly makes me sad that I feel that way about my life.
I hate what a a weak scared person the fear of this pain has made me.

[Mark N]

Karen, Unending chronic pain makes us re-evaluate our lives. Even the ones of us that never would resort to suicide still have to deal with pain that is suicidal. It is no shortcoming in your faith that has you wondering about a third option it is just the reality of unending incredible pain.

Sw, it is hard for our spouses as they still have their life and we often are anchors that hold them back. I had a counselor tell me that 80% of disabled spouse get divorced because the one that is not disabled can walk away from the problems of disability. Those of us that have spouses that stay with us, even if they are hard to live with at times, are blessed that our spouses haven't bailed out on us. I don't complain to my wife much about my pain but I do have people on the internet I can talk to every day. It saves my wife the constant complaining but she does still have to deal with my inability to not participate at times or days I am completely out of it. I hope you have a compassionate doctor to deal with your flare as we often need help getting through them.