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Thread: Time and Unforeseen Occurrences Effect Us All

  1. #1
    Distinguished Community Member Jen's Solitude's Avatar
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    Default Time and Unforeseen Occurrences Effect Us All

    Greetings All,

    Although it has been quite some time since I last posted, I have been around and have kept up with all the happenings and misfortunes that have occurred. The losses deeply saddened me.

    My own personal tragedies have kept me from opening up and posting an update, but finally I have moved past the grief and shock and find I can talk about my loses.

    First, I can report that after 27 years of living with MS, I seem none the worse for wear. My neurologists tells me that my MRI looks exactly how he expects it to look for someone who has had MS for as long as I have been diagnosed. I am still mobile although I now rely heavily on my rollator to get around and keep my balance. Aside from some muscle cramps and spasms, I have no new symptoms to speak of. Fatigue/exhaustion is still my biggest "handicap" and I use Adderall sparingly to help with the problem.

    I have been keeping safe during this pandemic and am happy that I will be able to rely on video appointments in the next 6 months, for doctor appointments. Since I rarely venture out of the house, I haven't had to be concerned with being in unsafe environments. Curt masks up and is staying as safe as he can when he takes care of our physical needs.

    I must admit that 2020 has not been very good for us. On May 30th my beloved sister was found dead in her apartment. She was only 56 years old and apparently died during her sleep. The coroner told us that she died of organic cardiovascular disease assuring us she did not contract covid 19, which is what we naturally assumed she had. As her emergency contact, I was contacted by her job, requesting that I contact her since it was unlike her to miss work without calling in. After not being able to reach her, I asked the Indianapolis police to go to her house and do a safety check. They found her and told me they thought she had died two days earlier since she was very cold. The coroner still put her date of death on March 30, so I guess they didn't have conclusive proof of when she died.

    Since covid was just kicking off in March, everything was very hard to do. My sister and I couldn't travel to Indianapolis so everything had to be handled by phone and email. We couldn't have any type of Memorial service for her either as funeral homes hadn't yet installed remote video type services. Shock and disbelief were our constant companions at that time, as you can imagine. I always believed that out of the 3 of us siblings, I would be the first one to pass away, since I have always had the most medical issues. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought the youngest of the 3 of us would die first, at such a young age. It was a hard pill to swallow.

    My family was slowly recovering from the shock of her death when a cousin that I grew up with, was rushed to the ER and deteriorated while there and ended up dying from multiple organ failure. This happened on May 15th. He was 58 years old. My family was thrown back into a cycle of grief, disbelief, and heart-ache.

    We have been comforting one another and binding together as an extended family which has helped us all to deal with both losses. The sting of death is so strong and nothing eases the pain of missing a loved one. However we are managing their deaths as best we can.

    Being able to physically post this thread, shows me I am dealing with the deaths a little better now. At least I can "talk" about it now. Thank you all for allowing me to to share. It is good to be back!
    DAR
    R/R 1993
    So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles. (Matthew 6:34)

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  3. #2
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    Hello DAR, it’s good to “see you” and hear that you’ve been holding well MS-wise.

    My condolences on losing your family members - especially the sudden death of your sister. Losing my sister (48) was harder than losing anyone else in my life. And two deaths so closely together, I can’t imagine.

    It’s good that you can stay home during the pandemic.

    Very glad you are back.
    ANN
    There comes a time when silence is betrayal.- MLK

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    Hi Dar,

    So glad to have you back with us and happy your MS seems stable at this point. I hope this continues on for you.

    Deeply, deeply sorry about the loses in your life. Your sister, so young, would have been extremely hard, but your cousin also would be hard since you were close and grew up together. Life surely threw you a double whammy. My deepest sympathy on these loses.

    I am glad you have been keeping up with us by reading and I am happy you decided to come back. It is good that you are able to stay in and stay safe. I am also pretty much in and seldom get out, an occasional trip to get hair done or go through the drive thru bank and pharmacy. On these trips I might go into the grocery store briefly, but other than that I am in and with so much virus out there glad to be.

    I hope with time you will begin to heal more fully. We are just glad to have you back with us.
    Last edited by Virginia; 11-06-2020 at 07:56 AM.
    Virginia

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    Distinguished Community Member agate's Avatar
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    Dar, you've often been in my thoughts--and it's really nice to know that all along you've been keeping up with this forum. You're thanking us for allowing you to share your thoughts??? We should be thanking you for taking the time and energy to share them--especially since you were such a helpful and supportive member here for a very long time.

    I am so very sorry that you've had these major losses. Losing anyone near and dear to us is always tragic but during the COVID-19 pandemic, losing anyone is ever so much worse. Your sister and cousin were both so very young, too. Much too young to be snuffed out.

    I hope that some arrangements can be made for a postponed memorial service or funeral. Families do find it hard to reassemble when some of the people have moved long distances away and travel is so very difficult now but maybe there is a way via the Internet possibilities.

    It sounds as if you and Curt have been working around the MS very sensibly in spite of everything that has been thrown at you lately.

    I hope you'll stay in touch.
    MS, diagnosed 1980. Avonex 2001-2004. Copaxone 2006-2009.

    "Always put off until tomorrow whatever you think you should do today." --Anonymous



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    Distinguished Community Member Jen's Solitude's Avatar
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    Ann, Virginia and agate, so nice to see you and read your comments. Thank you for your sympathetic replies and I appreciate reading of similar experiences and losses, emphasizes I am not alone in what I have suffered.
    DAR
    R/R 1993
    So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles. (Matthew 6:34)

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    Distinguished Community Member Lazarus's Avatar
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    Hello Dar
    I too often think of you. You certainly have had a tough, sad time. I am glad you are seeing some light.

    I am the youngest of 4 children and cannot imagine losing one of my siblings. I am glad we were here for you to share your grief.
    Take care.
    Linda~~~~

    Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says:"Oh Crap, She's up!"

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    Distinguished Community Member Earth Mother 2 Angels's Avatar
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    ((((((Dar)))))) ~

    Welcome home!

    I have been graciously accepted as an unofficial member of the MS forum, and I know how wonderful everyone here is. Open Arms always.

    My deepest condolences to you in your loss of your sister and your cousin. Your grief is fresh and raw, and it will take time for you to process everything. Be gentle with yourself, and allow yourself to feel all of your emotions. Grief is complex, and the more you release your tears and laughter, which are both healing in physical, emotional, and spiritual ways, the better you will be able to navigate your feelings.

    Such good news that you are able to stay home during the pandemic, and especially that you are maintaining well after 27 years, since your diagnosis. May this continue to be so for you.

    In these stressful times, I send you healing prayers for peace and comfort and positive energy.

    Love & Light,



    Rose

    *Virtual Hugs Are Germ-Free!
    Mom to Jon, 49, and Michael, 32, who were born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease and courageous spirits. Our Angel Michael received his wings in 2003. Our Angel Jon received his wings April 2019. April 2020, Jim, the world's most wonderful Dad, joined them. Now, they all watch over me.

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    Welcome back DAR.

    I love your byline.

    I am so sorry to hear about your sister. I totally get not being able to post when you are grief stricken or traumatized.


  16. #9
    Distinguished Community Member Jen's Solitude's Avatar
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    Good Morning Laz, Rose, and Sunshine. So great to read your replies. Laz, I too always thought about how terrible it would be if one of my sisters died. I just couldn't believe it and kept subconsciously waiting to hear from my sister. We texted regularly and it took quite some time to stop expecting a text from her.

    Rose, I have traveled back and forth through the different stages of grief. I know it is only normal, so I allow myself to feel what I feel. Now that it has been over 7 months, the stages are not so pronounced, but when your mind doesn't want to accept something, it is amazing what you want to believe as opposed to the reality of your situation.

    Sunshine, I truly was traumatized by my sister's death. It was a horrible addition to the grief I felt. I think the last time I felt trauma was when I was about 10 or 11. My father was involved in a car accident because he was driving while intoxicated. I was with him and had to endure his arrest and all that came with it. My father wanted me to tell a lie to the police and say he was not drinking, which I knew was wrong. I also saw the face of the older gentleman he ran into and the blood running down the man's arm. Till this day, I can still see that poor guy's fearful eyes.

    Fast forward to March and the early morning call that began my horrible Monday. The 2 hours of torture waiting for the police to get back to me and the final word from the detective who informed me of her death. As soon as the caller identified himself as a detective, I knew he was going to tell my that Chrissy was dead. So began my traumatic experience. Things occurred that I haven't even mentioned yet. The combined experience will stay with me for quite some time.

    agate, I meant to mention that my sister and I were so shocked we couldn't even imagine trying to organize a memorial service. Had she died in this area, I probably would have considered it, but she was so far away it just wasn't feasible. Even now, we still do not want to have a memorial service. We did receive much support from family and friends and even my sister's employer showed us much consideration and helpfulness. Other aspects of dealing with her passing were so overwhelming that it crowded out a memorial service.
    DAR
    R/R 1993
    So never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles. (Matthew 6:34)

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  18. #10
    Distinguished Community Member agate's Avatar
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    That must have been a very traumatic experience when you were in the car with your father when there was an accident. I think any car accident must be particularly hard for kids, but much harder under those circumstances.

    Losing your sister and finding out about her death in the way you did must have been terrible too. It's a shame that so often now people are getting news of a loved one's death by an impersonal phone call from some official somewhere.

    Many people don't seem to want a funeral or memorial service--at least among people I've known. I can understand not wanting one for your sister. Maybe at a later time you'll feel differently but I'm sure that people will understand, either way.
    MS, diagnosed 1980. Avonex 2001-2004. Copaxone 2006-2009.

    "Always put off until tomorrow whatever you think you should do today." --Anonymous



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