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Thread: Restoration Saga

  1. #91
    Distinguished Community Member Earth Mother 2 Angels's Avatar
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    ((((((Hugs to All)))))) ~

    Mary Grace ~

    Oh, I'm so relieved to hear that Kathleen accepted the loss of this year's vacation by looking at her picture books. I'm praying that you will all be able to be reunited next year.

    I think it is very wise to restrict travel now. COVID is rising so quickly in the U.S. compared to other countries. Staying home is the safest thing we can all do now. And wear masks when we have to be in public.

    Thank you so much for your hugs and prayers. Sending them right back to you and your beautiful family.

    I am okay, addressing a thousand emotions every day. I'm still sorting through all of the boxes from the restoration, lots of memories to revisit there. I do try to accomplish something each day, so that I feel like I'm not stagnating.

    I did fix the printer and printed out all of the IRS forms and read the IRS site for information on how to do the taxes. Now, all I have to do is prepare the taxes. Ha! That's "all" I have to do!

    Please continue to take good care of yourselves and be safe. I love you all and send healing prayers to you and your loved ones.

    Love & Light,



    Rose

    *Virtual Hugs Are Germ-Free!
    Mom to Jon, 49, and Michael, 32, who were born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease and courageous spirits. Our Angel Michael received his wings in 2003. Our Angel Jon received his wings April 2019. April 2020, Jim, the world's most wonderful Dad, joined them. Now, they all watch over me.

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  3. #92
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    Rose, you haven't updated us on how you are in a few days. I hope all is going alright with you. I know you usually have many fireworks around you which is upsetting.
    Virginia

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  5. #93
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    Default Thursdays With John

    ((((((Hugs to All)))))) ~

    Virginia ~

    Thank you for checking in on me. I'm so glad that you've been feeling better. May it continue to be so. You're in my prayers.

    Iíve been working on our 2019 tax return for the last couple of days. After 2 hours on it today, I took a break. Iíve made progress, and the rest shouldnít be too difficult.

    There shouldnít be as many fireworks this year, because the public venues are closed. Our city usually has a fireworks show at one of the high school stadiums, but that is cancelled. Private fireworks are illegal in our city, but that doesnít stop people from getting and setting them off. My main concern is fires, because weíre pretty dry here right now.

    I wrote this late yesterday evening, after which I made dinner and fell asleep in Jonís recliner watching a movie. So, I didnít post it. But here it is:

    THURSDAYS WITH JOHN

    John visited today. Evidently, Thursdays are now our "get together days."

    He worked on the front door again. This morning, it didn't open or close properly, so I texted him, as he was already planning to visit. He brought his tools and WD40, since those are hard to find among Jim's tools in the garage. It is working better now, but it will probably be an ongoing problem.

    John cleaned out the pond and removed debris from around the pumps. Now the fountain and waterfall are working beautifully again. It is too precarious for me to do this. We filled the pond, and all is well for now.

    We sat on the patio and chatted about a wide range of topics. At one point, we were discussing my nosy neighbors, and when I told him that one of them had come over to me after the restoration crew left and asked me, "What's going on here?!", he was disappointed but not surprised.

    "Did she ask you how Jim and Jon are?" he asked shaking his head.

    "No. But don't forget last year, she asked me why you were coming over to our house so often."

    Then John joked about what I should have said to her at that moment, and we laughed for a few minutes, as we expanded the joke. Oh, how I needed that!

    John took the trash bins out to the street for me, which I truly appreciate. On Tuesday, the gardeners removed the sago palm in front of our living room windows, as it has been through too much trauma over the years. They cut it up and put in the yard bin.

    I couldn't move that bin! It was huge and heavy, and I plan to tell our gardeners next week never to do that to me again. The owner knows that I'm alone, and that I've been caring for Jim for the last 3 1/2 years. He can look at me and see that I don't have the strength to take that bin to the street.

    GRIEVING

    I finally emptied the box in Jonathan's room and sorted out the recyclable from the shredding stuff. All of his Home Health Folders from 2003 to 2019.

    It took me several days and was a painful process, but I cannot restore his room with that big box in there. Glancing through all of it, I was struck by how much Jonathan endured and how brave he was through all of it. Like Michael. Like Jim. Just incredible courage and strength.

    The names of all of the nurses, who cared for Jonathan, loved him and gave their all for him. Tears streaming as I went through each chart. Then, there are the charts I kept daily for Jon's care. These are bound books, so I don't know what to do with them. So many days and months with "ICU" written on them.

    I really needed that laugh with John today. He doesn't know truly how challenging life is for me now. I tell him that I'm okay, fine, trying to pull the house together, and he tells me how proud he is of me and that the house is looking wonderful.

    Sometimes it feels like a facade, and I'm wearing a mask to hide my profound grief and the heavy moments that arise every day and night. The inexplicable unpleasant dreams, or the pleasant dreams, where I am sure Jim, Jon and Michael visited, but I can't recall them upon awakening. Or laying in bed at 2:30 a.m., praying that I will go back to sleep to stop my mind from spinning. I'm like a rotisserie chicken, turning over and over and over for hours.

    And every square inch of our home and yards reminds me of my beloveds. I am surrounded by magnificent and tragic memories. Every movie I watch, every song I hear, everything reminds me of Jim, Jonathan and Michael. And I think, "You would have enjoyed that ... or laughed then or danced and sang then ..." I still seek Jim's guidance on decisions and issues. My partner and companion, Jon's and Michael's Dad ...

    The longing in my heart to embrace them is never ending and an aching, which defies description.

    Meanwhile, so many others are suffering in so many ways, and our future is anybody's guess.

    It is just too much for me to absorb all at once, and yet, here I am, and here all of us are, doing just that.

    It has been 72 days since Jim joined Jonathan and Michael, and this will be the first 4th of July without him. Our 28th anniversary is approaching.

    Every morning, I start over and pray for the best outcome for me and you and the world.

    I love you all and pray for you and your loved ones. Thank you for the blessing you are in my life.

    Please be safe and be well.

    Love & Light,



    Rose

    *Virtual Hugs Are Germ-Free!
    Mom to Jon, 49, and Michael, 32, who were born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease and courageous spirits. Our Angel Michael received his wings in 2003. Our Angel Jon received his wings April 2019. April 2020, Jim, the world's most wonderful Dad, joined them. Now, they all watch over me.

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