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  1. #1
    Distinguished Community Member houghchrst's Avatar
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    Default pity party, table for one

    I am so sick and tired of my life. I can never seem to stay on top of things. money, house, yard, vehicle, pet bills, pain, doctors, quitting smoking, eating garbage and junk, body falling apart, crafting projects, gardening, pain.

    Yeah it sounds pitiful considering how many have it so much worse and my prayers go out to all of you.

    My best friend is dead and there is nothing I can do about it. I still cry every day about it. I want vengeance and yes I know it is wrong. I know it was partiallly my fault but I want them to pay for their part in it. I am paying every day for mine.

    Jared is flunking out of online school. He will probably be dropped and charged with truancy. He is so smart I just don't understand his thinking. He wanted to know why he needed to learn geometry instead of something useful like first aid lol. Made sense to me. Nope gotta pay if we want that. Taught as an after school class. If he would do the work he could have finished this entire year already. Now they have broke him down to three classes so it's not like he has a lot of work. This too is my fault after 25 yrs of fighting my kids to get their education I am exhausted. Brandon was a nightmare if anyone recalls then as soon as jared starts middle school he starts having problems. His biggest problem is that he is intelligent and knows it therefore thinks he is above the syllabus and that learning things that he will have no use for is beneath him.

    He hides when anyone comes to the door. He doesn't want to be seen unless it's family. He will go out with me if he gets sick of sitting indoors but it's minimal social contact. He has his good friends but they are all like him and sit in front of their computers and laugh and think of ways to make money. A bunch of computer nerds who had better grow up to make money to take care of their mothers in old age. Not if he doesn't finish school.

    I am so sick of taking all these meds and I know if I took care of myself I probably could get off of many of them but my will is weak, tired, exhausted, and I am broken. I am bouncing around on the bottom. Kripes I need to see my therapist.

  2. #2
    Distinguished Community Member Earth Mother 2 Angels's Avatar
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    ((((((Chris)))))) ~

    I completely understand why you are overwhelmed and depressed. You've had far too many problems recently with your heart attack, losing your sweet dog, and now a fracture in your calf. I'm searching for words of wisdom for you, but I am coming up short tonight.

    It might help you to make a To Do list, and set a goal of accomplishing one or two things each day, then cross them off your list. (That always feels good to me!) You can't do everything at once, even though it seems like you must. Prioritize.

    You might also consider making a daily schedule for yourself. Literally, hour by hour. Eg. From 9 a.m. to 10 a.m., I will do X. At 10 a.m., I will do Y. At 1:00 p.m., I will do Z. Etc. Use a calendar or make your own Day Planner, and every day, schedule your activities. This gives you structure. Organize.

    I think that I may have suggested to you in previous posts that you pursue meditation. I'm sure that you can find on line meditation exercises, perhaps videos to guide you.

    I also recommend listening to Native American flute music, particularly R. Carlos Nakai. His Inner Voices CD is one of our favorites.

    https://www.youtube.com/results?sear...r+carlos+nakai

    You need spiritual comfort and to find a space, where you feel peace.

    I have very limited experience with gifted children, having taught a few classes back in the early 70s. I noticed everything you've described about Jared in these students, which must be a phenomenon among intellectually gifted kids. Are there websites or discussion forums devoted to parenting gifted children? Perhaps you could find advice and guidance that way to help you with Jared.

    Practice deep breathing and relaxation techniques.

    When we feel like we're at the end of our rope, that means that there is still enough rope left to climb back up. Even if it is only one inch at a time. Don't let go. Start climbing!

    Sending you lots of healing energy and strengthening prayers.

    Love & Light,



    Rose
    Mom to Jon, 49, (seizure disorder; Gtube; trache; colostomy; osteoporosis; hypothyroid; enlarged prostate; lymphedema, assorted mysteries) and Michael, 32, (intractable seizures; Gtube), who were born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease and courageous spirits. Our Angel Michael received his wings in 2003 and now resides in Heaven. Our Angel Jon lives at home with me and Jim, the world's most wonderful Dad.

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    About your children: Online classes are good for super motivated students but if he's not doing the work he may need to enroll in a regular class to stay focused or he needs a type of activity where he is learning but its more like a real life situation than a class situation which is boring and doesn't reflect "real life" to gifted students. Some students need more active practical learning environments. Depending on the learner and how much work the teacher gives out 3 classes a semester can be a lot. One of my teachers had a son like yours who hated college work but he ended up doing very well so try not to worry too much in the long term. He'll find a way. So sorry you are depressed.
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    Mild Spastic Diplegia Cerebral Palsy and bad proprioception.
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  6. #4
    Distinguished Community Member houghchrst's Avatar
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    Well I downloaded two free meditation CDs, both are eCDs and were free just for giving my email. I am going to attempt to use them on my ipad while laying in my room. I have to be careful not to nod off.

    I know most of my depression is "in my head" that I stress too much about stuff. My problem is I wear everything that is wrong with my life. everyday all day. I can slip away into a movie or before bed my book but the rest of the time my mind is running with the thoughts of "what needs to be done". I am supposed to take a Klonopin with my morning Effexor but since my doc changed my script I forgo that one and take it at night instead with my other two. I take that with a 600 mg of Gabapentin to help me sleep. Well..that and a bunch of other meds. The Effexor........well I have been taking that for years and I am kind of beginning to wonder if it has pooped out. I don't even know if I would miss it if I quit taking it. One of those things where I'm are almost afraid to quit or switch because I hate the SEs of these meds. I have enough going on right now.

    I have a door sized chalkboard painted on the wall behind my bedroom door and on it in big letters is "Do one thing every day" and "one day at a time" and a couple of smaller things. I know for me it takes a lot more than days. It takes hours. I go from fine to crying in no time. If I could keep my house clean and pay my bills I would be immensely happy. The sense of relief I get from going from clean room to clean room it makes me feel like a weight is lifted. Don't get me wrong I am not a neat freak I have dust balls, cat hair (surprisingly minimal), dog hair, magazines and stuff but as long as everything looks like someone tried then I am happy. My sewing room is in complete chaos. I long to do some cross stitch or something. I still have some Christmas stuff up because I broke my leg mid packing. LOL I reallly do need to get that down, I still have stuff in the front yard. Not lit I did have sense enough to unplug it after New Years. We have hit a warming trend so it should be done now before that disappears tonight.

    My social contact has been limited to doctor offices and the grocery store cashier since my truck broke down. Hoping I can at least get the tire fixed today. I still can't go to my clubs because they are across town and I have a blown head gasket so my trips are like within a two mile range. I can't even get to my caregivers without a ride. Need to make a trip today. I am out of meds. Well I have a little flower but I prefer not to smoke unless I need to. Funny I don't have that same feeling about cigarettes. That's ridiculous thinking.

    I wish that at the end of the day I would lay in bed and think about all the times I laughed that day. I can remember laying in bed and laughing to myself about something that happened that day. I have a major problem with seeing things through. starting things and not finishing. I use to journal. It's been four years since I wrote in my journal. I think I quit right after CJ moved out. I was just looking at it the other day.

    My mom told me that before she opened her eyes every morning she would thank God for giving her that day. She referred to God as her father. It helped her to think of Him in a closer way. Like curling up in your father's lap. I did if for quite a while and it always made me smile. I use to make a list of things that needed to be done and take my time getting them done and scratching them off my list.

    Now when it comes to my finances I try to stay on top of them and for the most part I can keep our heads barely above water but man am I tired of treading. If I got more than $15 in foodstamps we would be so much better off. In order to do that I have to pay more bills to be able to turn in receipts but if I pay more bills we don't eat. Or I should say Jared doesn't eat. I can eat anything and he is a willing guinea pig thank God. If my truck ran I would be able to hit all the food pantries and still be able to pay all the bills. That is what my goal was until the head gasket blew.

    I have all these tools. all these things that I have learned and had to practice at any one time or another in my life. What is wrong with me that I fail to implement them. It seems absurd, like I am banging my head on a wall that I built and maintain. Do I thrive on chaos. Am I unhappy no matter how things are gong? Ha I wouldn't know because it seems that that time has never come. Something is always not going right. See that? That stinkin' thinkin' for those of you familiar. I wallow in a big pit of stinkin' thinkin' lol.

    How long do you have to do something before it becomes a habit.

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    Distinguished Community Member houghchrst's Avatar
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    woke up Saturday about midnight and had heartburn and to vomit. Felt like crap. Fluish, as it goes on through the night and I toss and turn and doze on and off I am getting worse and beginning to think heart attack because that is exactly what happened when I had my last. only it was heartburn that woke me last time everything else was the same. So finally at about 6:30 I called an ambulance. I was there for hours. nothing changed the way I felt they did a ridiculous amount of tests and could find nothing. I mean nothing. So I was sent home with a scrip for two different stomach meds. I am already taking something and both of the scripts are for the same thing. Strange.

    Yesterday Dash was not feeling good. I had gone out and when I came home I had to search him out. Usually he's bouncing at the door and barking for me. He barely got off the couch once I got in. Oh God he needs to go to the vet. Something is wrong. I had a whole $4 to my name and he needs the vet ASAP. So I call CJ, hysterical, and he gives me the money for an office call at least. On the way to get his card I am driving and crying and yelling at God to "please make it stop". I'm so tired. It is one thing after another. So tired.

    And here so many are so worse off I feel stupid airing my issues.

  8. #6
    Distinguished Community Member Earth Mother 2 Angels's Avatar
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    ((((((Chris)))))) ~

    I hope that you've contacted your doctor to discuss your symptoms and the results of the testing in ER. Do you think you had a virus? Flu-like symptoms are often associated with heart attacks, so you were very right to go to ER.

    Have blockages been ruled out? Ask your doctor whether you should have an angiogram. I know that is not something you want to do. No one does. But I have two friends, who had blockages, which went undetected, until they had an angiogram and a stent placed. Both are doing extremely well now.

    What did the vet say about Dash? Is he okay? I'm glad that CJ provided the funds for a vet visit.

    It is exhausting to go from one crisis to another, and you need a break. Do you have any friends, who you could call upon to help you?

    If you can, try to get some rest every day. Take some time to tune it all out. Listen to some comforting music, take a nap, just breathe and be.

    Sending healing energy your way ~

    Love & Light,



    Rose
    Mom to Jon, 49, (seizure disorder; Gtube; trache; colostomy; osteoporosis; hypothyroid; enlarged prostate; lymphedema, assorted mysteries) and Michael, 32, (intractable seizures; Gtube), who were born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease and courageous spirits. Our Angel Michael received his wings in 2003 and now resides in Heaven. Our Angel Jon lives at home with me and Jim, the world's most wonderful Dad.

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    Distinguished Community Member houghchrst's Avatar
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    Dash has recovered, no one had any idea of what was wrong with him despite two trips to the vet. I almost wonder if he got whatever it was that I had lol.

    Rose I don't know about other places but in our county they have spend a dollar make a dollar with the foodstamp benefits, so if I buy say $20 worth of fruits and veggies and milk in some places you will get that same amount put on a separate card to spend. Jared is dying to go to the Farmer's Market. He loves his fruits and veggies too. I have found that I have been using so much more veggies and fruits and starches in our diet that I actually had a meat craving. I broke down and cooked two tiny rib eyes and scarfed them. Kripes I just imagined walking in on somebody scarfing raw meat, blood everywhere. Prolly how I looked LOL.

    I have seven doctor appts over the next two weeks so now I need to write down questions for whoever I am seeing so that I can keep everybody straight.


    Everything is feeling better this week. I got a lot taken care of financially over the last month. OMG my caseworker called me from DHS to let me know that I got a raise in my foodstamps, I'm sorry, my electronic benefits, went from $15 to $65. This is a first in years, I'm talking they never call you and let you know anything, the capitol just pumps out letters letting you know what the computer algorithm has decided is your fate.

    Jared's old Academy has agreed to take him back and help him make sure this year hasn't been a total loss. He can take the GED when he is eighteen and go directly into some kind of trade/technical college program. He wants to graduate. We will see, it is basically up to him.

    Have been cooking more and finding when I am done I feel a bit satisfied. Started taking a multivitamin that gives me 100% or more of most of the vitamins and minerals. Hoping to start incorporating fish or krill oil, more vitamin D etc. I am going to see what my doc can maybe write for me that my insurance would cover. If you require more than is offered by dietary suggestion on the vitamin my insurance will pay for it usually. Thinking about asking psych and doc if I might benefit from B12.

    Have filled out fostering applications for a couple of animal rescues. Have made some friends in the community. There was an offer for volunteer, work from home, secretarial work I know I could do but am too afraid I guess. Thinking it might be too much for me right now.

    Have started on cleaning my house a little here and a little there. I really need to nail down Jared he is getting away with murder and not helping around here like he was. His dad says I don't make him do enough. I am too soft on him I know but I adore him and if he hurts then I hurt. I know I am not doing him any service by not enforcing stricter rules. He's supposed to go to his room and slam the door and say I hate you like Brandon use to do instead he says I love you every time he leaves the room. I wonder if my health worries him and that is why he seems to almost have a separation anxiety. Definitely a social anxiety. I am grateful that he wanted to attend the Academy instead of doing homebound again. He will have more fun, more opportunities and actually get his schooling done with someone over his shoulder. He admitted to the head that it was something he needed constantly. I couldn't do it. It was exhausting.

    I have officially met the neighbor's pitbull. She's a big ole sweetie who just has a strong prey drive and was not raised around small dogs. I get it. Still hurts but I get it. She got a bit of lovin's.

    The dweeb at the library took me off of the homebound program when I stopped in there and dropped off my book bag. I told him I would do it at home. I meant when I was ready but he must have thought he was doing me a favor by cancelling it. so now I have to find out where my books that were in transit are and get them headed back this way.

    anyway I am slowly getting my act together. Waiting for spring. Thinking of getting rid of some of my projects as it seems I will never be able to see them to fruition and it just weighs on my mind. Also have craft stuff I could probably get rid of though I have yet to try everything that I have the stuff for.

    Okay and I still haven't seen my therapist. I am sure if it gets too long she will write me lol.

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