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Thread: Why???

  1. #1
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    Default Why???

    this has been a bad YE AR FOR ME first, find I over my had w/ CC, thrn my partner gets even sicker and then dies (I don't like pretty words, like passed on, etc), my ptsd has me waking in a sweat, screaming. my psyc. has me diagnosed with major depression, I drink too much, I rip my hand open (Right, dominant of course) no lawyer wants to touch it (the family that owns the establishment (OWNS MOST OF THIS TOWN). I have t]o take on a boarder (the thought horrifys me) and then I makr a huge mistake, no details s I could be in deep s---. I wound up in fear for my life, had things stolen, cane and phone - and get this- have friends mad at me becacause I drpped off the radar with no phone. If thet cared so much, they knw where I live and hang out- the Moose -Some Friends? I have troublr rven deiding what rom to give up but I have made that decision - Cynthia,s and my room wil stay the sme - my computer will fit in there - God I miss her, peoplr tell me iy will get better - WHEN? SORRY THIS IS LONG BUT I AM VERY ANGRY RIGHT NOW. I know this part of the process but does not make it rasier.
    Thanks for listening to me vent. finaly, why does everyonr want me to srll my house - have no inyenyion of doing so
    blessings
    got to go - this forum almost lost what I sent an hour on
    blessings
    alex44
    skypilot

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  3. #2
    Distinguished Community Member Earth Mother 2 Angels's Avatar
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    ((((((Alex)))))) ~

    Dear Friend, I am very concerned for you.

    It seems that you are self medicating with alcohol, and that, combined with any pharmaceuticals you might be taking, is worrisome.

    First, I want to assure you that I understand the depth of your pain and sorrow in your loss of Cynthia. You're angry that she's gone, and you're still here. You're angry that you couldn't save her. You're angry that she suffered. So many reasons to be angry, all justified.

    Yes, you need to get that out, but not through alcohol. That isn't numbing your pain. It is accelerating and magnifying it.

    Please understand that I'm not judging you, Alex. I understand the depth of your pain. I do. I've been there, and I've worked my way through to the other side where peace and acceptance exist.

    For a moment, think about what Cynthia wants for you. You've conquered Hepatitis. You went through tremendous discomfort to accomplish that feat. Would she want you to self destruct with alcohol and depression and anger? Would she want you to suffer?

    We have to think about what our loved ones want for us, instead of how much we're hurting by their absence. If you were to have passed (or died) before Cynthia, would you want her to be going through what you are going through now? Of course not.

    You need to be clear minded to make rational decisions about renting out a room in your home or selling it, or explore other options. You can't do that in a fog of alcohol.

    You may not be ready to make those decisions, but be forced to do so by circumstances. If there are state agencies available to help you, seek them out. If there is free legal assistance, seek that out. Find help to inform your choices and decisions.

    I know it's hard. You just want to throw up your hands and surrender to the pain. But, if we do that, we lose. We end up creating more pain, longer suffering for ourselves.

    As impossible as it is for us to believe, life does go on, after we've lost our loved one. We have to learn to put one foot in front of the other to walk forward, or we fall into a deep abyss of sadness. And we make bad choices and decisions.

    Please make a commitment to yourself and to Cynthia to be sober and rational in your decision making. It's important that you protect yourself and care for yourself now.

    Isn't that what you'd want, if the roles were reversed, and Cynthia was mourning you?

    Hold onto your faith, Alex, and what you know to be true, and let that strengthen you as you travel on this journey of grief.

    You are not alone. I'm here for you.

    Healing thoughts and prayers are on the way for you ~



    Love & Light,

    Rose
    Mom to Jon, 48, (seizure disorder; Gtube; trache; colostomy; osteoporosis; hypothyroid; enlarged prostate; lymphedema, assorted mysteries) and Michael, 32, (intractable seizures; Gtube), who were born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease and courageous spirits. Our Angel Michael received his wings in 2003 and now resides in Heaven. Our Angel Jon lives at home with me and Jim, the world's most wonderful dad.

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  5. #3
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    Thank you
    Alex44
    my faith is being tested but I am still Skypilot s since I know the lord is with me.
    Blessings

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  7. #4
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    disappraring posts - ?

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