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Thread: Still Crying - i am lost - Alex

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    Post Still Crying - i am lost - Alex

    I am still crying over Cynthia. I am wracked with sorrow but at the same time I know she is at peace. She had a heart of gold. She had a living will and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done was to fax it to the Hospital and then to basically have them follow it. I consented to one or two minor procedures and I feel guilty about that but I had to be sure. When they wanted to put her on a ventilator - I said no - She passed shortly after - I was there - I felt her leave - - I kissed her goodbye and hugged her and every time I told her I loved her, she got a big smile - the hearing is the last thing to go so I know she heard me- It was very hard but I also told her it was OK to let go - that was even harder. I still talk to her a lot and when I tell her I love her she hugs me - I swear I feel them and I hope she never stops - someday when Spirit calls me home I know I will be with her - no worries for me, I am a very religious man and the only way I will see her again is to wait on Spirit to swing low in his chariot and take me home - I wish I could have done more = as Willie Nelson said "Things I wish I could have said and done" Cynthia, you will always be on my mind - I am a survivor - I am on Auto-Pilot - Bless this board - I have been here a long time and hope it keeps coming back as it seems to be - thanks to all and for providing a place to unload - the pain of her loss is great but she loves me, I can feel her and I love her and knowing that someday I will see her again is a comfort, that and she no longer is in pain,(she had a lot of that).

    Hope everyone is doing well
    Alex44
    Skypilot

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    Distinguished Community Member houghchrst's Avatar
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    (((((Alex)))))

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    Distinguished Community Member agate's Avatar
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    This board can't be destroyed. It's been around too long. In cyberspace, to have lasted this long is unusual. This place has something to offer that you don't find just anywhere.

    You might meet other neurology patients in the neurologist's waiting room or in the hospital but aside from that, I don't think you'd meet very many except by pure chance. But it's helpful to compare notes with people with similar problems.

    People with neurological disorders often have unique problems that others don't understand.

    Right now there aren't large numbers of us here but that might be a good thing in many ways.

    Ten or 15 years ago there were so many people on here that they were stepping on one another's toes. It was hard to understand what anyone was saying with so many people talking at once.

    Hope you'll stick around, alex, and help to make this place better.
    MS diagnosed 1980. Avonex 2002-2005. Copaxone 6/07 - 5/10.
    Member of this MS board since 2001.

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    Distinguished Community Member Earth Mother 2 Angels's Avatar
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    ((((((Alex)))))) ~

    As I'm sure you know, grief is a process, and right now, you're just in the beginning phase, where the pain of Cynthia's physical absence is fresh and raw and acceptance is nearly impossible.

    The best path to healing and finding peace in your grief is to allow yourself to feel all of your feelings. Don't hold back the tears. Physiologically, they are beneficial as they release stress hormones.

    Come here as often as you need to express your grief. Talking really does help. We're here to listen and lift you up.

    I am thankful for you that you feel's Cynthia's spiritual presence and that she is holding you in her angel wings. May you find comfort there.

    This poem has helped me many times on my grief journey. I hope it will help you too.

    THE TRAVELER

    She has put on invisibility.
    Dear Lord, I cannot see—
    But this I know, although the road ascends
    And passes from my sight,
    That there will be no night;
    That You will take her gently by the hand
    And lead her on
    Along the road of life that never ends,
    And she will find it is not death but dawn.
    I do not doubt that You are there as here,
    And You will hold her dear.

    Our life did not begin with birth,
    It is not of the earth;
    And this that we call death, it is no more
    Than the opening and closing of a door—
    And in Your house how many rooms must be
    Beyond this one where we rest momently.

    Dear Lord, I thank You for the faith that frees,
    The love that knows it cannot lose its own;
    The love that, looking through the shadows, sees
    That You and she and I are ever one!

    Sending prayers to mend your broken heart ~



    Love & Light,

    Rose
    Mom to Jon, 48, (seizure disorder; Gtube; trache; colostomy; osteoporosis; hypothyroid; enlarged prostate; lymphedema, assorted mysteries) and Michael, 32, (intractable seizures; Gtube), who were born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease and courageous spirits. Our Angel Michael received his wings in 2003 and now resides in Heaven. Our Angel Jon lives at home with me and Jim, the world's most wonderful dad.

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    THANK YOU ALL! I AM STILL IN SHOCK - you don't love someone for 25+ years and then BAm, the love of your life is gone. We started off as friends, although we were told about each other by a mutual friend who I would call a Matchmaker so we knew a little bit about each other. she started hanging with me and then I had to move for work, a mistake I will regret forever. Anyway, I came back and was told she had been hit by a car. I asked the landlady if my third story walkup was still vacant - she just asked if I still had My key. I did so I immediately quit my job - it so happens on that very day that I had a fat check waiting for me at work from my family - Yes, I was a trust fund kid but I never knew it until then. Upoun hearing the news , I went to the hospital, where she was in intensive care. She was so happy to se me. I visited as often as possible until they sent her to a nursing home. I got her to sign papers to go to a re-entry type boarding house. The first thing I did was to get her HOME with me. a cook brought her for what he thought was a visit - WRONG. SHE told him to GET, that she was staying with me. Bear in mind that she had Metal rods in her legs and a plate in her arm and I lived on the third story. Well to cut to the chase, back then we both smoked Cigarette's and drank beer, something we gave up when we went to collage. so, to get her the re-hab she did NOT receive in the nursing home, She could barely walk, I would leave the Beer and Cig's downstairs on the bench (we had an inner courtyard) and I would help her down the steps, she was a bit upset at first, but once4 she realized whaI was doing ( making it so she could walk again. There is a lot more to the story but the editor lost it and I am too tired. Needless to say, I was with her at the last and she had a peaceful passing. I am quite sure at the last when her eye's flew open ,in surpize I think, she saw heaven. She will be missed but I know she is always with me in spirit.

    Houghchrist - we go way back - my memory is not what it used to be but I do recall you as an artist. Thank you and God Bless.

    Agate - I remember you also - I hope you are doing as well as possible given your circumstances

    Earth mother 2 Angels - Thank You for the poem. I cred again - You are indeed an angel, I am soory to hear about Micheal, and bless Jon, for he is special, As are you, you already have your angel wings - take comfort in the fact that you will be re-united someday with your whole family in heaven

    One thing - all of you are Old School in the sense that ya'll have been here a Long time, probably even longer then me and I have been here a good while and will continue to support this board any can.
    Blessings to all and may everyone do as well as they can

    Blessings
    Alex44
    Skypilor
    Last edited by alex44; 07-03-2017 at 11:29 PM. Reason: Part of post lost

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    Rose - your poem moved me greatly. it is in my faith that the Lord said - I am the Alpha and the Omega - (I an the beginning and the end) and our souls carry on. She is at peace now, she had a rugged life, thank you
    Blessed be
    Alex44
    Skypilot
    Last edited by alex44; 07-14-2017 at 08:23 PM. Reason: spelling

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    Distinguished Community Member Earth Mother 2 Angels's Avatar
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    ((((((Alex)))))) ~

    Thank you for sharing with us your love story with Cynthia. I'm glad that you are talking with us, because that will help you. I promise that sharing and writing about your love and loss will help you heal. Keep communicating with Cynthia. I'm sure she is near and that she hears you. Let your heart and soul be open to her contact with you.

    I am 14 years into my grief journey with the loss of my son, Michael. I can assure you that the pain you are feeling now won't last forever, even though it seems now that it is endless. While you grieve now, the way you need to be grieving, hold onto that thought in the back of your mind. It won't always be this way.

    Imagine Cynthia, free of pain, joyful, relaxed, resting peacefully in God's arms. Free. In Bliss beyond our comprehension. Everything that is impossible to achieve in our Earthly physical form is now possible for Cynthia.

    It's bittersweet to rejoice and mourn simultaneously. I call it the Sisters of Sorrow and Bliss. We must open up ourselves to both extremes to be able to work our way toward healing.

    You will do this. We are here to help you.

    You are in my prayers, Alex ~



    Love & Light,

    Rose
    Mom to Jon, 48, (seizure disorder; Gtube; trache; colostomy; osteoporosis; hypothyroid; enlarged prostate; lymphedema, assorted mysteries) and Michael, 32, (intractable seizures; Gtube), who were born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease and courageous spirits. Our Angel Michael received his wings in 2003 and now resides in Heaven. Our Angel Jon lives at home with me and Jim, the world's most wonderful dad.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Earth Mother 2 Angels View Post
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    ((((((Alex)))))) ~

    Thank you for sharing with us your love story with Cynthia. I'm glad that you are talking with us, because that will help you. I promise that sharing and writing about your love and loss will help you heal. Keep communicating with Cynthia. I'm sure she is near and that she hears you. Let your heart and soul be open to her contact with you.

    I am 14 years into my grief journey with the loss of my son, Michael. I can assure you that the pain you are feeling now won't last forever, even though it seems now that it is endless. While you grieve now, the way you need to be grieving, hold onto that thought in the back of your mind. It won't always be this way.

    Imagine Cynthia, free of pain, joyful, relaxed, resting peacefully in God's arms. Free. In Bliss beyond our comprehension. Everything that is impossible to achieve in our Earthly physical form is now possible for Cynthia.

    It's bittersweet to rejoice and mourn simultaneously. I call it the Sisters of Sorrow and Bliss. We must open up ourselves to both extremes to be able to work our way toward healing.

    You will do this. We are here to help you.

    You are in my prayers, Alex ~



    Love & Light,

    Rose
    Thank You Rose - Depression is a terrible thing- thank you andbless you.
    Blessings
    Alex44Skypilot
    PS Thank God tht he has given me the faith to carry on - I still cry at the drop of a hat - Thank yo and blessings to your family - You have your wings already

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