Hi Everyone, here's a new blog post and there will be another coming up soon - I'm at our cottage with no access to internet very rarely. But here is the link to the last post: Only registered and activated users can see links., Click Here To Register...
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New Blog Post - Is Caregiving Women's Work?
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New Blog Post - Is Caregiving Women's Work?
Donna, Mum to Natalie (22), ablebodied, kind and beautiful and Nicholas(26), severe CP, non-verbal, tube fed, multiple surgeries, chronic pain, happy kid except when the Liverpool football club or the Ottawa Senators Hockey Team are losing!
Check out my blog: http://www.donnathomson.com
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"Women Hold Up Half the Sky"
(((((Donna))))))
Glad you posted this, and that you are enjoying the summer at the cottage.
I've been writing this response piecemeal, taking advantage of opportunities when I actually have enough brain cells firing to think.
The answer to your question is, "Yes."
Women are the nurturers; men are the gatherers. That doesn't mean that we each can't do both. I just see it as the way in which we are primarily constructed as human beings.
I think that it is inherently biological that women are caregivers, because we give birth. And, because we are the vessel by which life is perpetuated, we naturally are the caretakers of our prodigy. We produce the milk, which is the essence of life for the newborn. That pegs us right there as the caregiver.
That role and purpose spills over into every other area of our lives. We take care of our husbands, our parents, the neighbors, friends, family members, pets, and so on. It's generally expected of us, by others as well as ourselves.
Rather than view that reality as a burden, I find it to be empowering. In some ways, being the principal caregiver places us "in charge" of assorted decisions and situations. We are regarded as an authority on many matters, from minor to major. In a way, that gives us a modicum of control and influence.
"Behind every successful man, there's a woman."
Behind every successful woman is ... herself!
Excuses husbands give their wives, when their wives ask them to help:
"You do it so much better than I do."
"Because whenever I do it, it isn't good enough, and you always come along behind me, and redo it your way."
"You know more about that stuff than I do. I can't remember all those medical terms."
Read between the lines there, Ladies. Husband is deferring to Wife, which means Wife has control and influence. Of course, he's trying to get out of it, whatever it is, but he's also right. We do do it better, and we do follow after and redo what they've done, and we do know more about a lot of stuff than they do.
That caregiving automatically falls upon our shoulders is probably unavoidable. But that doesn't mean that we should be expected to do it ALL!
I recall when my grandmother's aging and dependency became the responsibility of my uncle, after my mother died. My uncle turned that responsibility over to his wife, and my aunt became overwhelmed with trying to meet the needs of her two young daughters, one of whom had a serious illness, and her own aging parents, as well as her two stepdaughters and six grandchildren, and her home, and the dog. One day, she snapped and shouted at my uncle, "She's YOUR mother! You take care of her!"
My uncle did assume more responsibility, but then so did I, because I knew he couldn't manage all of her needs on his own.
What that illustrated to him was that one person can't do everything. We all need to pitch in to help each other. And careproviding can embrace a broad range of tasks and functions, from spending time with a loved one to going to the grocery store for that person, to assisting in bathing and personal hygiene, to advocating for their needs to be met by the System, to supervising hired caregivers.
I've known many men, who are excellent caregivers. I married one. Our hospital has quite a few nurses, who are men, and they are all outstanding care providers. As women filter more into male dominated occupations, men seem to be doing the same in reverse. Why shouldn't women be carpenters and men be nurses? No reason. However, biologically, I think we are inclined toward occupations which match the nurturer/gatherer model.
In your blog post, you ask how we can change the social dynamic of women serving in the majority as caregivers. I'm not convinced that we can actually, because as I stated, I believe that we are basically built with this instinct to give care. And I don't want to give that up to anyone, but a little help with the laundry or making dinner is always appreciated. Broadening the concept of caregiver by including care for the caregiver. A helpmate. An "I'll do this so you have one less thing on your plate" person.
We can also raise our sons and daughters to be nurturers and care givers. We can teach them to respect the needs of others, to feel empathy and compassion, to go out of their way to show kindness to others, to put themselves aside while thinking of how they can help someone in need, to love for the pure joy of loving.
Then, they can change the social dynamic of caregiving.
Until then, if we need help, we need to ask for it. If we're overwhelmed by the amount of stuff on our plate, we need to eliminate some stuff. We need to learn to say, kindly and gently, "No," to requests of our time and energy, which zap those resources, where it is feasible to do so. Sometimes, we need to climb out of our Wonder Woman costumes, and announce, "I'm tired. I need a break. Please ... you do it."
We also need to be realistic. Just because we want to be everything to everyone, we can't do that without losing most of ourselves. We have to purposely carve out something for our SELVES, which is ours and only ours, so who we are doesn't get lost in everyone else. If we don't do that, then we walk that well-worn path toward depression, unhappiness, lack of personal fulfillment, and burn out.
When I "had it all" (career and children/single mom), I actually only had half of each, which didn't equal a whole, no matter how I added it up. I was constantly sacrificing one thing for another. Consequently, I felt like I wasn't good at anything. And I sure didn't feel complete.
Eventually, we all end up being caregivers. Our parents age, and we take care of them in one fashion or another. We have children, and we raise and care for them. If our spouses/significant others/partners become ill, we care for them. And the majority of the responsibility for that care typically falls on women, because we were created to provide it. It's how we roll and have since humankind began.
For an interesting analysis of the ancient Chinese proverb, "women hold up half the sky:"
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As always, Donna, thank you for generating such thought provoking topics.
Love & Light,
RoseMom to Jon, 49, & Michael, 32, born with an undiagnosed progressive neuromuscular disease. Angel Michael received his wings in 2003. Angel Jon received his wings in 2019. In 2020, Jim, their Dad, joined them.
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Ah, Rose, your experience mirrors my own. And yes, I agree with you. But I am also the mother of a 20 year old daughter with great aspirations, both professional and personal. She is a natural nurturer, but I want her to have her career dreams too! I will read your post to my husband Jim and see what he thinks and report back!!! xoDonnaDonna, Mum to Natalie (22), ablebodied, kind and beautiful and Nicholas(26), severe CP, non-verbal, tube fed, multiple surgeries, chronic pain, happy kid except when the Liverpool football club or the Ottawa Senators Hockey Team are losing!
Check out my blog: http://www.donnathomson.com
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