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Tougher than I thought

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Yep the mania is gone, definitely was withdrawal. If I scale myself with 1 being happy and 10 being super depressed I am about a 6......well I am not crying, at least right now cause I just got up lol. I have to remember that my depression is a different animal than my anxiety. Even if they do feed off of one another. The more anxious I am the more depressed I become. My anxiety level unfortunately is usually based on my situation, therefore situational anxiety. That is what is untreated. My anxiety according to my psych is supposed to be being treated with medications, therapy and life changes. Egads and one out of three is not good. Okay my new goal is to get to see Nan more often. That can fall under all three categories.

Sadness and frustration.......whole different categories. I can be sad about something and it affects both my depression and anxiety. I think I am sad most of the time about a lot of things. My physical limitations and my pain make me very sad. I would say that is at the top of my list. Missing my mom still makes me sad, I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about her and it has been eight years. Being tied down to this house makes me sad and frustrated. Not having a reliable car makes me sad and frustrated. To me these things are more constant. Most important? There is also the fleeting sadness. Particular things that happen that cause a sadness that passes. I can deal with those.

Money........that is a huge stressor and contributes to all three. All my bills come to more than I have. I have so thought about moving into a senior village but I don't know if I quite qualify as a senior yet lolol. Maybe a tiny house on the property LOL, let my brother move in. That is the kind of purge I want to do. Maybe a huge yard sale next spring. I can straighten up the garage this fall and start putting stuff out there over the winter. Just go from room to room and get rid of stuff. Ugh I can feel the lightness that this would bring me. Knick knacks that are packed away, dishes I don't use, stuff I have bought and thought was cool that sucked once I got it home and tried using it a few times. I just have a lot of junk.

THat would be a great way to stay busy when I quit smoking. Now that I think on it the last time I quit smoking I washed walls. Almost an entire house. Maybe I could paint this winter. Hell that means I either have to wash first or paint with Killz first. I would Killz the crap outta it first. 5 gallon bucket buddy, smoke and mold protection, grease coverage.

I am going to call my pain management and see if I can get injections again. I need to do some research on nerve ablation. At least more than I have done. He did mention that.

I am losing weight again. Have not been buying fast food. Maybe it is a blessing that my car is broke down at this time. Drinking too much pop, eating too much garbage. It would be so nice to go to the store and shop for healthy stuff any time I wanted. I don't know what they expect me to get with sixty eight dollars. Frustrating.

Speaking of sad, Brandon and Jennifer are breaking up after like 6 years. I am devastated. Brandon is handling it well except for the fact that he will be losing the kids. Jennifer is making the transition as easy as possible for all around. Brandon blames that bitch of a grandmother they live with. Just on the verge of moving out and Jennifer pulls this outta her ass. Met some guy at work, about six weeks ago and he has already said he bought her a house for her and the kids and he wants to marry her. All kinds of red flags are flying but Jen is desperate to get out and away from the wicked witch. Says she's not in love with Brandon anymore. Brandon is heart broken of course. She is moving an hour away. I have cried on and off for two days, for Brandon's heart ache, for the loss of Jen and the kids. I have nothing else.
I'm out.


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