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houghchrst

trying self check

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Well I missed a day. I was sicker than a dog night before last and all day yesterday. Serious vomiting. Finally got out of bed around seven p.m. Jared checked on me about three. I almost think I may have had another heart attack. Same symptoms but I have had so many false alarms since October that it didn't even occur to me until last night. Being without my meds really screwed me up. Damn doc office just finally sent me a letter saying I need to come in. Nice timing asshats.

So obviously I did nothing yesterday except feed Boots and babies their dinner last night when I finallly felt able to get up. After the idea of a possible heart attack I was afraid to take my meds last night and go to sleep so I took them as usual and was up until 2. That's a record for me lol. Slept soundly until 8 this morning. No time to take out the trash. I feel a bit off still but better.

It's going to be beautiful today. in the upper 70s and I would like to get the lawn mowed. Don't know how much gas there is but at least I got paid today. Don't know how the sun beating on my head is going to feel.

Kitties have been taken care of, Dash has been out. My bed made and my vitamins taken. Litter boxes cleaned out. Breakfast fed to mom and babies.

Self check: headachey, scared of possible heart attack, disappointed that I missed the trash lol. Don't know how this self check thing is going to go. I am not use to it. I am use to just feeling, not taking account of how I feel. Right now I feel neutral. Might be morning meds dulling. I feel worthless, useless, sick of living in pain and depression. Sick of sitting on this computer everyday, though I don't know why I say that cause I am not on all day. I do stuff here and there while I am on. Then about one I get off and watch tv or nap. I don't remember what I did after CJ left before I got a computer.

I was driving the other day to go do a food pick up and I couldn't remember how to get there. I know how to get there but I couldn't recall. I could picture the place in my mind. I was almost in tears of frustration. I had to do a backward recall to get there and once I had it I was fine. This is happening more and more often. I think that sometimes my brain and emotions are so full that other simple mental tasks become monumental. Like brushing my teeth. What the hell is up with that? I have to force myself to brush my teeth. Just pure laziness? Apathy more likely. I am embarrassed to say that I can't remember when I showered last. The water smells so bad that it gags me. I can't wait to get that fixed. More apathy, no self care. When I told the shrink that I had OCD she asked me if I wash, I lied and said yes because I was too humiliated to say no in front of Jared. I am considering taking a moment to talk to J's therapist alone.

Jared's therapist, pretty, young latino woman. He likes her. She seems hesitant so I wonder if she is new or if she is hesitant to bring things up in front of me though she did tell us both that Jared needs to stop relying on mommy. Same speech I get from his dad. I just love him so much and his pain is my pain and I don't wish any amount of pain on him. It makes me cry to think of him hurting or afraid or embarrassed. Maybe because I get it. I feel it, have felt it. I want for him to succeed, he wants to succeed.

Lord another long one. Forgive me whoever, if anyone reads this.

Updated 08-31-2018 at 10:30 AM by houghchrst

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Chris is babbling again.

Comments

  1. funnylegs4's Avatar
    Nice to see you blogging here.
  2. houghchrst's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by funnylegs4
    This quote is hidden because you are ignoring this member. Show Quote
    Nice to see you blogging here.

    I thought that was a smiley face but it said livid lolol, so here is a smiley face
    Updated 08-31-2018 at 10:36 AM by houghchrst


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