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today I feel like a study

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in what happens when you run out of psych meds. I am coming out the other side of my withdrawal which is usually a couple of days of suicidal depression then I start to feel better and begin to doubt the necessity of taking them. I haven't done a psych clean out in decades. The withdrawal was mentally and emotionally agonizing but I was already in a bad place riding the med roller coaster. Dear God, med after med trying to see what would work. I even asked if that can screw up a persons mental chemical make up knowing first hand that it does and got a pause, a half smile and a 'there aren't any studies to show so'. Well lemme tell yu sumthin'. It does. So I went cold turkey. Coming out the other side was great for a while but then my depression got the better of me. Now that I think back I wonder if it was situational. Diagnosed with Bipolar II with anxiety and depression is my diagnosis. Unmanageable depression as far as I am concerned. My damn psych says talk therapy should be happening more often. I can't remember last time I saw my therapist. Usually I get a letter from Nan wondering where I am but I have heard nothing. I don't think it helps. All I do is go in and vent, get a pat on the back for any good thing I do and get gasps and affirmations for anything that has happened in my life that seems unfair. Leave feeling a bit lighter and then I pull into the driveway and my life slaps me in the face again. God damn am I a whiny bitch.

I am so sick of feeling like this constantly. The anxiety, the worry and then trying to remind myself of how much worse things can be. Forgetting to let go. If I let go I want to let it all go. The broke down car, one of the loves of my grandparents lives falling into disrepair, their yard, house, the basement that needs finishing, my bathroom has been waiting 6 yrs to be fixed properly, laundry dear god the laundry and dishes been doing dishes and laundry for most of my life and I am about to cut down on more laundry. Bills, creditors, animals, kids, school. I want to lead a simple life with a cute simple fenced in low maintenance yard and house, money for bills, food and necessities. Just worry about me and my animals.

Updated 07-08-2019 at 06:13 AM by houghchrst

Chris is babbling again.


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