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Looks like spring

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is poking it's head out this week. Supposed to get thunderstorms tomorrow. Almost time to start cleaning up the yard. Did a bit yesterday. Winds blew our trash cans over and garbage got critterfied and was leaking every where. Plus snow is melting and we had some trash get uncovered by the road that was compliments of the fine gentleman that was doing our garbage over the snow days.

I have really been thinking about my depression and how tired I am of being this way. For some reason it always seems like something goes wrong. This intensifies my depression. The anxiety I feel while I am waiting for that other shoe to drop off that ten thousandth foot is overwhelming. The thoughts of the things that need to be done are enough to almost drive me mad. I mention my depression and my psych says I need to be talking to my therapist about stuff but that is all well and good for that moment in time, feel relieved when I am walking out but as soon as I get home I am overwhelmed again.

I am so fed up with myself. With the fact that I am so weak, I have no back bone, I do not take the steps that I KNOW I need to be taken to make myself feel better. It just feels like more work. It too is overwhelming. Dealing with my pain is at the top of the ladder. In the evenings when I try to get up from a seated position I am in so much pain that my knees and ankles almost refuse to move in protest, I have to pull/push to get myself up. I think to myself that in five years I may be in a wheelchair. That would be devastating. I am slowly losing weight so I know that will help. I am sure that soon my ortho will start making noises about knee replacement. At least the right which is more tore up than the left. I don't think that will help.

I finally broke down and bought some new shoes. I can't remember when I last had new shoes. The tread on my tennies is wore down to nothing and they lost any shape or padding they originally had. Not good for my feet so I bought a pair of Skechers, the stretchy kind for comfort and still get support. I have wide feet so of course the woman's sizes had very few wide shoes so I bought mine from the men's section which seems to be stocked with a variety of wide shoes, you can't even tell they are men's. I find this to be very common, finding women's wide widths always either sell out first or aren't part of stock but the men's have a better size variety. How sexist, I have had so many shoe sales people tell me that they get a lot of complaints about not having more women's wide shoes to choose from. Uhm seems somebody would get that. I should open a store that specializes in affordable shoes for wide widths. There is one near me but they are ridiculously expensive and you have to special order. They specialize in work boots and shoes but they also have tennies. Unfortunately once you walk out the door there is no going back they are yours.

Getting time to feed everybody. I have been getting up about 6 or 7 and come out after B goes to work. which is about 6:15. Little snot leaves me one cup of coffee in the pot every morning lol. I think he takes some to work. I will be thrilled when he finally gets a new car. He has been using mine which means I wait until he gets out of work in the afternoon to do stuff. IF I need it I try to get everything done on one day he finds another way to work.

Time to get to work.

Updated 03-14-2019 at 03:06 AM by houghchrst

Chris is babbling again.


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