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whooo, things are

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bad here. I am a total wreck and a half. Made it through a week and a half of withdrawal and have a morning where I don't feel like crap, go to the psych and get my refills and now that I am back on meds I am feeling like s**t again. The lovely adjustment period. I am beginning to wonder if my meds were doing anything for me besides help me sleep. I have been miserable for a long time. I am tired. I am so very tired. Of the pain, the depression, the constant rushing anxiety, counting damn words in my head, picking at sores on my back. My daily bleed. I may have to start wearing gloves again. I don't bathe enough. I am stuck. My house is worse than usual because I have felt so crappy.

Jared is getting fat, he is a big kid but he is getting really big. Neither one of us gets any exercise. Still working on getting the gazelle in the house, in my head anyway. Logistics lol. He is failing school still. One hour, one hour a day is all that was asked and he still is not doing it. When he gets up I forget all the stuff I thought of for him to do throughout the morning. He is right it is better for both of us if I write it down. He has expressed that he needs that so I cannot be resentful because I am not doing my part.

Spending too much money on fast food still. Have been cooking more lately but I am sure if I had the money I would buy. Made dinner last night and some how pinched a nerve under the lower part of my knee cap so did a limping finish. I am sure it is from sitting on the side of my bed one leg up on the bed and the other foot on the floor. I have been holed up in my room for almost a week watching my Roku because I have felt so bad and the tv in the living room is outdated and the picture is not that great. When it is dark in a movie you can't see a dang thing.

Speaking of money I think I may have to take out an add on loan from the bank. I have gotten myself in deep debt. Credit cards which I said I would never own. Small ones but debt none the less. Am considering delving into bankruptcy but I believe my being part owner in this house could be a complication. My bills are the biggest source of anxiety for me. Well all I can think about is money, Jared and school, and my pain. These are what consumes me all day everyday. Running around in my head and right now it is so bad that the only way I can control it is to stay medicated on mmj which I do not like and cannot afford. I have fantastic caregivers right now even though my new card hasn't come in yet. Very nice young men.

I had forgotten about my music therapy. I got an Echo Dot for Christmas and all I have to do is request a song or a band and she plays it. Fantastic little technology. I usually listened to my music while I worked. Pop in my MP3 player and blast. Okay am seeing a correlation there. I have almost always listened to music while I worked, especially in my yard and since I am working less I am getting less music therapy sooo if I listen to more music the more I might get done. And get some triple therapy, work, music and exercise. It really starts with the music for me. It makes me move. Hhhmm. Ridiculously long time coming observation. Always knew my music is important for me just never worked things from back to front before.

Still fostering, have little Skyler, getting a new cat today. Will be fostering for another rescue. Still working on my ferals though they have been on hold while I have been sick.



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