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A week into the

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New Year and I feel like crap. Now withdrawaling from most of my psych meds. My Klonopin is going to be missed the most. No sleep without it. Only until Friday. I think I can make it until then. That's funny cause it is not like I have a choice.

Child Protective Services was here this week regarding the fact that marijuana tested positive in the baby's meconium back when she first found out she was pregnant. She'd used but didn't know she was pregnant. So of course CPS was called and they not only investigated him and his family but me and Jared. CJ is furious.

I am only up because beautiful Amber is going to the vet then a new home. If I wasn't full up with animals I would keep her myself. There was a point last week when I had three ferals, two fosters, a foster fail and two rescues. Only three are ours. Little Skyler the doxie has an approved foster app it just needs to be processed and he needs some dental work done. Next weekend I am going to work on the rest of my ferals. Still three or four more that need vetting. I have feral guilt about returning the baby, she is feral but could possibly be rehabilitated at least I think. So many say they have cats that were feral and while now they are more home oriented most never really enjoy living in a house. I cannot have an indoor/outdoor cat here. Too many coyotes and missing cats over the years.

I seem to have lost my motivation. I am depressed, worried about money, consumed by desire to help the animals. I spend all morning combing through the FB pages to see if there is anything I can do anywhere to help. I have to keep reminding myself not to get in over my head. Not taking in any more animals until I get my ferals taken care of and Skyler gets adopted. Then I can decide what I will do. I really like fostering cats because they are so easy to take care of. They just need food, love, a litter box and they are good. Dogs are more work. I never dreamed i would be fostering cats.

I still have xmas decor that needs to be put away. It is all down now it needs to go into the basement. I must say I did not miss that xmas tree mess this year like I thought I would. I do believe I am going to get a small tabletop tree from now on and go small. Even Jared agreed that he didn't really miss the tree. If I didn't love the glow of a tree so much I would just go without lol but then it wouldn't be Xmas.

I think so often that I am going to quit blogging, it is not really blogging I don't think, I think with blogging it is meant to be informational. This is only informational as far as it pertains to knowing how small and miserable and uninformational I am. I think I just made a word. See and I feel like that but when I write it and then read it I have this back talk in my head that says that I am not insignificant, I am a good person, not too bad of a mother and that is as far as it gets. Is that enough? No. And why not? Because the list of all the things I am not is far bigger. But we all have that list don't we? The one that constantly niggles at us that we have missed out on bigger and better things somehow. Some people can turn this off or at least down. I cannot. My list niggles at me every day all day long. A lot of that list consists of things I will never or have ever had the chance to do. I want to touch a dolphin and swim with whales, I want to put my feet in the ocean. Those will never happen. I want to live in an english cottage on a lake with lovely little gardens. I want to own a horse. Those are the big ones that are there and the thought of doing them takes my breath away a little because I can imagine the feeling I would have if they happened. I think everyone has those big ones. The most prominent, constant, neverending list are things I should be doing. Not the ones I missed out on but the mundane, everyday, tedious things that people do to maintain their lives and households. Clean the kitchen, do the laundry, scrub the bathroom, sweep and mop the floors, clean my room. It is constant over load so then I find myself feeling like a deer caught in the headlights and wind up frozen, getting nothing done. Even the entire 2018 I did very little. My pain level increases as time goes by and I do less.

I know I am getting weaker. Losing muscle. I will focus on getting my Gazelle in the living room and start using it again. If it is in front of my face I can use it here and there throughout the day. Easy on and off, is not a hassle to set up or use. For now that will be my single goal. Just that one big thing. That and make jared do some housework.

Updated 01-28-2019 at 05:03 AM by houghchrst

Chris is babbling again.


  1. funnylegs4's Avatar
    Do NOT quit blogging. Its a good way to let emotions out. Its great if its informal.

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