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Well now I

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see something new at the top of the page so I have no idea how this will work out. woke at 3:30 this morning. I kind of am reaching a point of where I am 53 years old and I want to stop stressing about all the things I am not doing. What I really want is to be happy enough to be able to change some things. Does that make sense. Is it easier to change a few things you don't like about your life if you find some sort of happiness within oneself. Stop worrying about getting some things done because I know I will get to it. I have reached a sort of stasis like a deer caught in the headlights and I have stopped moving forward. Maybe because the one major thing I need to do that is the very most important is to quit smoking. I will have been clean and sober for 19 yrs, well except the MMJ, on Jan. 1. I should shoot for that. Christmas will be over and it will be easier to memorize.

I have started doing this self talk that if I want to get up at an ungodly hour and play on the puter then I can, if I want to go to bed in the middle of the day then I can. I am only responsible for one other person and he is self sufficient, the hairy ones are always taken care of. As long as anything that needs to be handled immediately gets taken care of then I can do whatever the hell I want. I am a grown woman. I can sit around and watch tv all day. I can play games on the puter instead of loading the dishwasher if I want. That laundry is not going anywhere stop beating myself up about it.

that is the base of my mental illness, the constant self talk that reminds me of all the things that need to be done and I am fat, lazy, and broken down. I am weak, I am constantly on edge waiting for the plane to crash, I have that heavy ass parachute on constantly. All these years and I can't seem to get rid of it. The only time I ever really feel safe is if I practice my faith. When I was going to church I was more likely to pass the parachute over every once in a while. When I feel close to God I feel more relaxed, that is one of the reasons I love this house, it is not the house it is the property. Nature makes me feel very close to God. Animals make me feel close to God. I feel close to God every time I look into an animals eyes, every time I soothe them, every time they do something funny, just loving them makes me feel closer to God. Maybe that is why I am doing what I do.

Updated 12-07-2018 at 06:02 AM by houghchrst

Chris is babbling again.


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